The I'm Going To Lose Again of Auphelia is a massive, cultured nation, ruled by The Glorious Local Council Candidate with a fair hand, and renowned for its otherworldly petting zoo, ritual sacrifices, and irreverence towards religion. The compassionate, democratic population of 3.945 billion Auphelians are free to do what they want with their own bodies, and vote for whomever they like in elections; if they go into business, however, they are regulated to within an inch of their lives.

The medium-sized, outspoken government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Environment. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Virgo. The average income tax rate is 65.0%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Auphelian economy, worth 581 trillion Pains a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is fairly diversified, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Cheese Exports. Average income is an impressive 147,378 Pains, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The family summer vacation has become a thing of the past following the introduction of the year-round school year, debates on whether toilet seats should be left up or down are increasingly commonplace, any citizen who cries is immediately assigned a psychiatrist, and the government only invests in infrastructure after a natural disaster. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown. Auphelia's national animal is the Unicorn, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Auphelia is ranked 72,166^th in the world and 3,355^th in the South Pacific for Highest Drug Use, scoring 69.8 on the Pineapple Fondness Rating.