by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics




by The Morally Illuminated Citizens of Govornia. . 399 reads.

My Worst Jokes Ever: A Collection

Govorniaís Worst Jokes in History, According to Govornia Itself

And guys, I want you to know that THESE ARE MY JOKES!! I CAME UP WITH THEM so please DO NOT STEAL THEM! Thanks! And now...


Govornia wrote:YASSSSSSS! Okay...

They get jalapeŮo face!

A four-chin teller!

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over!

Because the cow got the udder!


You search for Fresh Prince!

Govornia wrote:


A buccaneer.

Because theyíre shady.

Theyíre a total rip-off.

A gummy bear!

He felt his presents.

Govornia wrote:


You can hide, but you canít run.

An im-pasta!

...But I dropped it.

Govornia wrote:

But my friends werenít on board with it.

Heís okay; it was a soft drink!

He needed his space.

Never mind, itís tear-able.

Because they have no body to go with!

Because it said Ďconcentrateí.

Because they have so many ant-y bodies.

Govornia wrote:

Great atmosphere.


It was a little shellfish.


To go with the traffic jam.

Was a ground-breaking invention.

Tentacles...(Iím so sorry!)

Govornia wrote:

ĒRobin, get in the car!Ē


Now the biggest joke of them all: The fact that I spent so much time coming up with these and putting them here! And my life! Yaaaay.

Please upvote if this made you smile! Or if you just want to, it makes me feel popular. Iím so sorry, I know these are terrible, but thatís the joke, I guess. It took me a long time to come up with all of these, and even longer to find most of these quotes (I think some of them donít even work now) but enough whining about how Ďhardí I worked!

Well, IíM gonna leave this Dispatch here...If you LIKED it, PUNCH that upvote button IN the face, LIKE AN INFINIPEDE! And I will SEE ALL YOU DUDES...IN THE NEXT DISPATCH!

Thank you all so much for reading, I really appreciate it. Bye.

Update: Thank you guys SO MUCH for nearly TWO HUNDRED READS in just FOUR DAYS! Thatís just pure insanity!

Is this the point where I suddenly get better at writing Dispatches? Or is it a one-off? Will this Dispatch become one for the NS history books? Find out next on...Harmless Shenanigans!

(Thatís a TNTMan93 reference, btw.)

I love you guys.

...No homo...?

Wow, guys; your support is truly amazing. I have nearly 250 reads in just four days and this Dispatch is second on the list for New Dispatches. This is really a dream come true, and I hope I can start writing more good stuff for all of you to read. Thanks AGAIN, have a good day on NS! Or whatever other thing...

+350 reads and 60 upvotes. Amazing. Thanks a lot!


Govornia wrote:

Take your age. Add 2. Then subtract 2.

Govornia wrote:Deerfenland

Evening, passengers of Flight 114, this is your pilot speaking. We're approaching some rough weather patterns ahead. Expect some turbulence. So please look to the front of the plane while our flight attendants help us go over some air safety tips, once again.

Everyone please make sure your seat belts are securely and properly fastened. Please note that in case of a water landing, your seats can be used as a floatation device. However, in the unlikely event that we crash-land in a moun'ain, we will ask that you please refrain from resorting to cannibalism. We have plenty of food to last all of us through the winter. However, in the unlikely event that it takes more than a few months for us to be rescued, we have prepared a lottery system for deciding whom to eat. Passengers will be selected one at a time from economy class, starting from the fattest. They will be flayed and served to the passengers in the first class. This will continue until we are saved or we run out of economy passengers.

Alright, we're entering a very bad part of this right now. So please don't be alarmed. If we were ever to get hit by a lightning, it will cause our lights to flicker. But other than that it won't harm us a bit. However, in the unlikely event that a bolt of lightning strikes us and causes us to be sent through a rift in the space-time continuum, tread-forcing us to a land from a time before God, a land where dinosaurs still roam the Earth, we will need to form a tribe. I will be chieftain and the flight attendants shall be my brides as we attempt to populate this strange new world. Ahhhh, my first command to the tribe will be to find a good supply of flint for fire, then the women will search for edible roots and berries while the men hunt for dinosaur meat. Gentlemen, please keep in mind that some dinosaurs are quite dangerous and should not be hunted. The T-Rex, Velociraptor, Terroraptor, et cetera, cetera...The ideal prey is the triceratops. They provide a lot of meat and are fairly docile and easy to kill. The key to strangling a baby triceratops is to grab it by the horns and pull back, exposing the soft flesh of its neck. Then just stick your fist in there closing off its air supply until it goes completely limp. Then it's good eating for the whole tribe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to inform you this, but a bird has just flown into one of our engines. We are going to crash in a fiery, long-lasting death. Everyone bow your heads please. Now, Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom...come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." In the unlikely event that Christianity isn't the one true religion; Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu melech ha'olam. That covers us with the Hebrews...However, just in case the Muslims got it right...Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar..." *CRASH*

Perhaps the funniest thing Iíve written on here. (Btw Iím not religious)

Mid-July 2019: Just looking back at this and re-reading my astonishment at its instant popularity really makes me proud. Iím very, very happy with what I accomplished here and I remember gaping my mouth open when I woke up to see that my batch of lousy jokes had blown up. Iím eternally grateful that this happened. Unfortunately, it seems like it was a one-off after all unless I put in lots of effort into some other Dispatch, which I havenít been doing at all lately. I might put in some more content on or before the one-year anniversary of the Dispatchís first release, although I feel like the Unlikely Event thing kind of ruined the whole vibe. I donít think Iíll take it out though, maybe just hide it or something. Whether this happens or not or whatever whenever wherever whoever howeveróeverólol sorryóIím still glad stuff DID happen. Iím not sure what else to say besides I love you guys (lol I sound like some huge YouTuber or something oof my ego haha) and this time homo all the way! Woo. Mwah. Byeeee!

December 2019: Just want to thank every reader again!

If you want you can subscribe to my YouTube channel here: