by Max Barry

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by The Dictatorship of Swiftlandian Peoples Republic. . 44 reads.

The History of Swiftlandia - Prologue - Character Biographies - Gwaffy


I figured before we started I would give you a biography of some of the more prominent characters in Swiftlandian history and current day Swiftlandia. I will do the character bios daily until I'm done, then the main story begins. This story is about one of the most famous of all Swiftlandian figures, Gwaffy the man eating armaillo.

Early Life

The year was 1927, the location was Bob Ross Island, which is deep in the Siberian wilderness. Suddenly a baby cry broke out in a cave, and Joseph Stalin came running and screaming out. What sound came next can not be described in the english language, but was described as so terrifying it scared away every animal within a 75 mile radius. It was a sound of anger, as Gwaffy was a child born of anger, except he wasn't all human, he was half armadillo. No one knows who Gwaffy's mother even looked like, though it is suspected that she looked like roadkill. Gwaffy was very hungry, as he scared off all the animals, so he moved in the nearby town of Commieburg, where he was able to feed on the children and work in the potato fields. He was also available to learn what all the kids of the USSR learned, Nuclear Science and Communist ideology. Gwaffy lived a normal child hood of 1 year and 4 months.

Gwaffy Goes International

On June 13, 1928 Gwaffy received a letter from the Walt Disney Company, asking him to star in a movie for them. So Gwaffy left the USSR and flew to Los Angeles, California, where he would stay with Walt and his family. However he gave Walt's brother leprosy so he had to move into a tree. Gwaffy's first movie "Gwaffy's Coming" was a huge success, so Walt asked him to star in many more movies, "Gwaffy Goes to Hawaii", "Gwaffy Goes to War", "Gwaffy goes Skiing", and "Gwaffy Goes To Space". Gwaffy was the most successful star until...

The Fall of Gwaffy

Gwaffy got tired of being a movie star, so he resorted to extremes. Gwaffy ate every child in hollywood. This lead to Walt Disney being sued, which took all his money and sent him away (where he would invent Gwaffy's rival "Mickey"). Gwaffy was banished to the Labyrinth.

Gwaffy in Swiftlandia

Upon moving to Swiftlandia, Gwaffy became great friends with Phil Swift. Gwaffy would eat the children, and anyone who disagrees with the government of Swiftlandia. This lead to Gwaffy quickly rising to power in Swiftlandia, to where he is the 2nd in command to this day.

The end!