11
Dispatch → Bulletin → News
by 
The Garden of Earthly Delights of Jabberwocky.
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146 reads.
The Mad Surfer, July 2020
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
July 2020
"News travels fast in places where nothing much ever happens."
-Charles Bukowski
Weather: sunny
Water temp: perfect!
Waves: nice medium swell
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
June 2020
“One reason that cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.”
― Gwendolyn Brooks
Weather: balmy
Water temp: bath
Waves: nice medium swell from the southwest
Voters saw a new wrinkle in the latest Senatorial Elections. In the battle for Blue Canaria North, newcomer Grea Kriopia jumped off to an early lead over her opponent, longtime Island stalwart Shy Guyia, a lead she never relinquished, garnering nearly 74% of the vote. This signals great things to come for a new generation of politicians that seem to be dominating the scene of late. Further evidence of that new trend could be found in the contest for New Republica South, which featured two relative newbs in Dorab and Controlitia. This one proved to be hotly contested, but Controlitia took a slight lead late in the race for a nearly photo-finish ending.
The Council of Nine:
Last Updated: May 30, 2020
Chief Executive: Markanite
Delegate: Kuriko
Minister of Labor: Human Sanity
Minister of Immigration: THX1138
Minister of Education: The tasmanian islands
Senior Senator for Himes West: Marxist germany
Senator for Lyonnesse East: The United Royal Islands of Euramathania
Senator for New Republica South: Controlitia
Senator for Blue Canaria North: Grea Kriopia
--Deputy Minister of Education: Sargon reman
--Deputy Minister of Immigration: Haivon
--Deputy Senator for Himes West: Central Russia
The Regional Reserve has published the latest Report by mysterious, mostly missing money magnate, Mortimer M. Mortimer, with this terrific news about the petroleum industries:
"June is proving to be an odd month here in the Islands. People started their summer travel a bit early this year. Many of them drove over to Cape Woonaveral to see all of the moon launches administered by PASA - the Paffnia Aeronautics and Space Administration. As a result of all this travel and the fact that spaceships need fuel too, people owning Gas Stations made out like bandits this month! Specific details are noted below (thanks, Paffnia!)"
Mortimer Printout - June 2020
Economic Outlook
Sector: 3 - Regular Economy
Item: Gas Station
Bonus: 5,000 Ŧ
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market:
From 01-May-2020 to 31-May-2020
Average Change: -11,361 Ŧ
Percent Change: -20%—Stocks Decline
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (350/280)
The report in its entirety can be found here: 
https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39243/june-moon.
Every newspaper needs a lurid headline, and this is ours. In a move unprededented in the history of XKI, Taco Island Charities has announced a new program...or perhaps we should say NEWS program. This was their official press release:
"At a time when journalism, especially online journalism, often struggles to stay afloat, TIC wants to support the engaging and informative work that helps our regional democracy and culture thrive. For this reason, TIC is proud to offer Newsroom Stipends! From May 1, 2020 onward, any publicly available publication will receive up to 20,000 per issue or per month with an issue published, whichever is less frequent. The publication is free to use or distribute its stipend however it wishes. TIC will determine the amount of the stipend for each publication based on its longevity, number of contributors/editors, and contribution to the Islands' culture and discourse."
All the more exciting for us, TMS has been proclaimed the recipient of the very first Newsroom Stipend, to the tune of 20,000 Tacos! Naturally, our staff is breathless with anticipation at the prospect of maybe receiving pay, after two years of diligent, assiduous, FREE work under strenuous conditions mere yards away from the beach! We figure if we sneak this into print while the publishers back is turned, we might enlist public support for our cause. Our landlords anxiously await!
The Summer Olympics Event, organized by Grea Kriopia and Human Sanity, will run through the end of June. Be sure to get all the details in this Dispatch by our Cultural Ministry: page=dispatch/id=1372619.
By
Sherlock Quixote
XKI Space Program
If you haven't begun investing in XKISP, you are missing the lunar boat. Why watch burgeoning space colonies growing in a lens in your telescope when you can actually BE one of the pioneers to make this giant leap for mankind? Gather together your tacos to invest in the necessary Shop Items to prepare for an historic launch. Now, you won't be the first. In fact, a cast of illuminaries have already staked their claims, on both near and far side of the milky orb. Those who participated in successful lunches were Tuga nation, New Fjordland, XKI Space program (represented by Haivon), Woonsocket, Hakketomat, Echolilia, THX1138, Almonaster neuvo, and Mingulay isle. Our Official Cartographer Paffnia conducted a ceremony to honor XKI's first astronauts and colonists. Read all about it here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39235/space-launch-results-june-2020.
TMS goes to the moon?
To demonstrate TMS' enthusiastic support, our Editor in Chief has requested a launch window for his own lunar probe, with the intent of being the first to surf the lunar tide (please, just humor him). Worse, with his white hair, he'll want to be called the Silver Surfer!
One area in which TMS has been sadly remiss is in our coverage of Werewolf Games, which events are conducted by gamester extraordinaire Palman. Signups are in progress now for The Red Court War, which you can find here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39264/sign-ups-ww69-red-court.
Other recent WW games include Jon Snow and the Night's Watch; Mafia Universe; General Mountain Rescue; Chaos in the Carnival. Be sure to keep an eye on the Taco Island Games thread for exciting upcoming events. This is Role Play at its finest!
This month we gain some insight into a TITO member who is also a member of TMS’ own journalistic staff, the one and only Haivon.
TMS: What country are you from?
H: Brazil
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
H: Broccoli. I have hate of that food.
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
H: John Williams. I'm a fan of movie soundtracks.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
H: Chess. I'm not a fan of Physical sports and I'm definitively the worst of my class, so I had to find something else to do.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
H: Vodka Orange Juice. (Editor's Note: Why not both?)
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
H: The existence of the force.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be.
H: My favorite author is Jeff Kinney, but I have no idea which TV show I would choose.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
H: CHEESE
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
H: NationStates.
TMS: Who is your favorite comic book character?
H: I invented one when I was a 10 years old called 'Grande', or 'Great', in English.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
H: I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, man.
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
H: Dog. You actually have free food for life.
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
H: 'Why I didn't died yet and how I think that it's strange'
Thanks for the pithy words and idiosyncratic syntax, Mr. H.!
WA SCENE for May
May was a bit dull in the hallowed halls of the World Assembly. I was mostly confined to my office/janitorial closet for fear of the COVID. When I did venture out, it was through vacant hallways to the WA commissary for some lackluster lasagna or mediocre meatloaf. Noticeably absent from the usually teeming dining hall was the normal melange of dignitaries, lobbyists, movers and shakers that usually provide enough buzz to distract from the not-so-great food.
For the most part, everyone just stayed home all month, consuming Netflix and potato chips and ill-gotten toilet paper. Resolutions came in by courier, fiery committee meetings were replaced with tedious Zoom conferences (into which I occasionally tapped), and remote from-home voting kept all but the heartiest (or foolhardiest) Delegates out of the picture.
That’s not to say there wasn’t WA activity. In fact, it was a fairly busy month in terms of legislation, but it was all pretty pedestrian: Road freight and dog tags and experiments on kittens…a few of my least favourite things. The debates were quieted, the subject matter was tepid, and the one potential hot tamale, which was in queue and ready to pop, got unseated by the unscrupulous agendists who to think their personal beliefs trump the democratic rights of the rest of the Assembly, to vote. Another sign that the institution itself is at risk of collapsing like an overbaked soufflé, under the weight of its own shoddy construction.
And so, the May WA recap isn’t quite the gourmet experience it could have been, but it does fill the void until a better meal comes along. Strap on the feedbag and dig right in:
GAR#487 - Ban on the Administration of Unwanted Substances: I, for one, want my substances, and, if I don’t want them, they sure as hell better not be administered. A variation on this res was previously shot down because was ambiguous. This replacement seemed to appease the majority, and it passed by a 60/40 margin. It is for sure not perfect, and it could see a repeal attempt in future, but for now it’s the law of the land.
SCR#304 - Commend Almonaster Nuevo: An easy winner, and a whopping 90% support for this commendation, citing the target’s region-building efforts, community involvement in several NS World Fairs, artistic contributions game-wide, and generally being a good fellow. This is the kind of commendation I think we’d all like to see more of.
GA - Standards for International Road Freight (did not pass): Not super-glamourous but it was pretty well put together with some common sense recommendations. I think I voted in favour, but it was a rocky road otherwise, and when it hit 82% against, the wheels came off for good.
SCR#305 - Condemn Psychotic Dictatorships: Morover was a busy bee in May and this was the second of three resolutions submitted. Not much to argue against in this one, which put heavy emphasis on the target region’s maniacal leadership and anti-Assembly leanings. 85% supported adding the black mark to the region, which I am sure they’d have framed if they could.
GA - Repeal "Data Protection Accord" (did not pass): Data Protection accord was a pretty hard-fought win for MG, and after having put in such effort, not many in the WA are going to support a repeal for any reason, let alone the weak justification in this attempt. 85% stood by the target, and against the repeal.
SCR#306 - Commend Audioslavia: Big in the RP sporting community and having a lengthy history of mentoring and contributing to large-scale NS sporting events over years, Audioslavia got 94% support in their commendation.
GA - Requiring Promulgation of National Laws (did not pass): Unless you’re IA, the minute you put a word like ‘promulgation’ in the title of your resolution, you’re in for trouble. It’s too bad. It was a very reasonable and well-motivated piece of legislation, but you need that meat and potatoes support for a resolution that brushes up into NatSov territory. Coming off too hoity-toity can tip the balance against, and it did, just by a bit.
SCR#307 - Condemn Auphelia: An IC effort to put the ‘Auphel’ in Auphelia. I found it all a bit niche. It wasn’t RP, which is where I’m accustomed to seeing IC commendations, but rather a celebration of the nation’s IC character within their region and limited participation on the boards. It passed with 66% but at least for me, it lacked that broader community contribution that I look for in a commended nation.
GAR#488 - Repeal "Ensuring Safe Syringe Use": The argument for repeal here was pretty much all based in semantics, and not even really all that accurately. That said, the target got killed with 84% support, despite the pending replacement being kind of crappy. That got fixed, however, and a more comprehensive replacement made an appearance in June, and it’ll be covered here next month.
SCR#308 - Commend Candensia: Another really nicely rounded commendation, citing the target’s leadership, diplomatic abilities, and issue and WA authorship. 91% of voters found it extremely easy to say yes.
GAR#489 - Ethical Treatment of Animals in Research: This resolution gave everyone both warm and fuzzy feelings. Taking care of animals involved in experimentation is ambitious and noble in its way, if not a bit naïve. This somewhat more realistic draft of previously defeated legislation struck a better balance between the two, and saw solid support in its ascension to law.
GAR#490 - Military Identification Tag Act: Another common sense and pragmatic bit of business for the Assembly, ensuring the ability to identify combatants throughout the WA realm. Passed with a large majority.
SCR#309 - Commend Vilita and Turori: Another well-deserved nod to a large contributor in the RP sporting world, not the least of which is a unprecedented 11 victories in WCC sanctioned events. 91% support.
GA - Restrictions On Blood Sports (did not pass): This one straddled across two months, but including it here so it doesn’t get missed next time around. That’s it. It didn’t pass. People like their blood sports, I guess.
Hopefully that sustains you until we meet again, and if you are not too full, allow me to offer you this mint... It’s only wafer thin... Yeeees.... Bon Appetit.
FEATURED NATION
Deputy Minister Sargon Reman has appointed the Featured Nation for May: Thedairos!
The Constitutional Monarchy of Thedairos is a very large, efficient nation, notable for its anti-smoking policies, irreverence towards religion, and devotion to social welfare. The compassionate population of 139 million Thedairosians have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often. The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Welfare, Industry, and Education. The average income tax rate is 39.7%, but much higher for the wealthy.
Be sure to get all the information on Thedairos here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39170/10000-islands-featured-nation-thedairos.
Poet Laureate Competition
It’s time yet again to sharpen both your quills and your wits and put those profound thoughts to paper. The always busy Ministry of Labor has announced the June Poet Laureate Contest. To quote Human Sanity:
Islanders, it's time for the Islands' June Poet Laureate Contest!
For this iteration, all poems must be related to the theme of anger. You may use any style of prose and center any topic, but submissions should explore and respond to the concept of anger.
Only citizens may submit, and there's a limit of one poem submission per citizen. All entries must be your original work. Please PM all entries to both HumanSanity and Ministry of Labor by 5:00 P.M. EDT (9 PM UST), Monday, June 8th. Do NOT post your entries here or otherwise share them with anyone else but HumanSanity. Good luck!
The topic is as current as can be, and pertinent to all of us in these trying times. Be sure to make your entry!
Dear Sandy,
My wife and I have both been temporarily laid-off due to the current COVID-19 crisis. Neither of us have worked for weeks, and we've been staying indoors to help stop the spread. We're not really accustomed to spending so much time together. We're both very career oriented, DI/NK, and without the regular time apart while working, we're starting to get on each others nerves. There's only so much cooking and scrabble and Netflix and chill. Any advice to keep us from hating each other by the time this is all over? –Cooped Up
Sandy:
Thanks for your question, and I'm sure there is a lot of cabin-fever going around. I'm going to be careful in how I answer because I'm not a health care professional, and don't want to give advice that contradicts whatever position your government is taking, but I think most jurisdictions are still okay with people going outside as long as they're being cautious. Alone time, or 'me' time is really important in a relationship, even when there is no pandemic. It is even more important now, when couples and families are spending nearly 24 hours a day cooped up together. Lately I've been going out for solo walks after sundown. The streets are pretty empty, and it's actually beautifully quiet. If you own a bike, there's nothing wrong with going for a ride and having some time to yourself. If you feel more comfortable wearing some sort of mask when you ride, then do it. Set a certain amount of time apart from your partner each day, even if it's just being in another room, and do your own thing. Take on a project like a large puzzle, or a good book, or even putting up a new coat of paint, and make sure there's a boundary between your 'me time' activities, and your activities as a couple. Take as much private time as you need, whenever you need it, and encourage your wife to do the same, but be sure to communicate with each other that you're not using that time to escape them (even though you might be) but rather you're taking time to be yourself. Stay safe!
Are you troubled too? Are you one of the many who seek advice for personal or professional problems? Ask Sandy Shoals!
Calendar
June 22, Knight of TITO Day – Commemorating and honoring TITO Knights for their service and sacrifice.
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITES
The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.
Periodically, Markanite reveals an opening for the highly critical position of Casino Manager. Typically, the XKI Casino will open, operate for a few months until the Manager finds out how much work actually goes into it, after which it shuts down again, leaving a population of compulsive gamblers to seek their fix elsewhere. Our CE is seeking someone to give the position some long term stability. For job scope and to apply for this prestigious post, see this: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39276/hiring-casino-manager.
The Department of Labor is looking for Award Designers. Apply to Markanite or new Awards Czar Hakketomat. Be sure to check out the job description here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39031/awards-designs-needed.
Delegate Kuriko is seeking members of the Ten thousand Islands Brigade of Official Endorsers (TIBOE). The job scope can be found here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39199/hiring-official-endorsers.
The Department of Labor also has openings for Account Maskers. Read about it here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39180/seeking-account-maskers.
As always, XKI needs Emissaries to help conduct our foreign affairs. Please apply here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37610/emissaries-needed.
You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: http://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, THX1138, Sandy Shoals, Sherlock Quixote;
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky;
Okay, you've heard us say this before. We have loudly trumpeted the return of everybody's favorite Casino in the past, only to find we have only heralded a false alarm. But gamblers are already winning big tacos at Unlimited Roulette (Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!) and 10000 Islands Cash Lottery (Prizes up to 20,000,000 Tacos). All this in addition to Blackjack and Slots! The good times never end at XKI Casino! Some of XKI's prominent citizens made a significant proportion of their filthy lucre at this very Casino. Pony up and place your bets! Get while the gettin's good!
July Senate Elections
-Himes West: Current Senator Marxist germany(TCP) has declined the opportunity to repeat. Running in his stead for TCP is 
Wille-Harlia. Quick to join the melee was WIP candidate 
Krystalveil.
-Lyonesse East: LE presents voters with a busy field, as 
Thedairos(TCP), 
Free Las Pinas(MSPP), and 
Haivon(WIP) all declared their candidacy as soon as the Election Board opened its doors.
Good luck to all candidates. It warms our collective heart to see such a busy field.
The spirit of political debate is alive and well in XKI. Minister of Labor @humansanity posed a plethora of puzzling questions for our candidates: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39524/senate-candidates-7-20. To make sure they were all paying attention, citizen @flyingeagles had a few questions of his own: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39528/senate-election-question-balance-powers. No sandbagging in this election! Candidates all made their respective statements to the press and public; be sure to check those out to keep these guys honest!
Whoever you preference, make your opinion count...VOTE!!
The Council of Nine
Last Updated: July 1st, 2020
Chief Executive: 
Markanite
Delegate: 
Kuriko
Minister of Labor: 
Human Sanity
Minister of Immigration: 
THX1138
Minister of Education: The tasmanian islands
Senior Senator for Himes West: Marxist germany
Senator for Lyonnesse East: 
The United Royal Islands of Euramathania
Senator for New Republica South: Controlitia
Senator for Blue Canaria North: 
Grea Kriopia
--Deputy Minister of Education: Wille-Harlia
--Deputy Minister of Immigration: Haivon
--Deputy Senator for Himes West: 
Central Russia
Certainly, the world has never been stranger than it has in the last few months, and alarmists and survivalists have surfaced everywhere. As a result the survival shelter business has been booming. But Mysterious money magnate Mortimer M. Mortimer has already covered that:
Due to a variety of different events and challenges that have occurred in 10000 Islands recently, it has become fashionable among certain parts of the populace to create and populate survival bunkers. As this trend has gained traction, like-minded people moved closer together, and expressed a desire to live more normal lives - but underground. Entrepreneurs quickly started building and selling underground areas for commerce and creating places to eat and drink. These underground commerce centers quickly became small cities. Due to this sudden uptick in demand, Underground Cities have become more valuable and earned Islanders that own them 250 tacos per each.
Mortimer Printout - July 2020
Economic Outlook
Sector: 1 - National Improvements
Item: Underground City
Bonus: 250 Ŧ
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market:
From 01-June-2020 to 30-June-2020
Average Change: -8,076 Ŧ
Percent Change: -17%—Stocks Decline
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (325/270)
The stock report in its entirety can be perused at your leisure over a nice cup of Earl Grey, here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39493/hunker-bunker-july.
Just in case you’ve been living out beyond the orbit of former planet Pluto, we have a news flash that will get your attention anywhere in the solar system:
A picture is worth a thousand words, which won’t stop us on the verbal front either, as we loudly proclaim this major event in XKI history. Last month saw our first probes and initial colonization of several segments of the Moon. July repeated that refrain, soon to be a familiar one, and more Islanders lifted off to claim more lunar real estate: 
Paffnia, 
Hakketomat, 
Jabberwocky, 
New Fjordland, and THX1138. Much to everyone’s surprise, payouts have already been made based upon material and scientific discoveries. Everyone will be jumping on this extraterrestrial bandwagon; launch requests have already been made for the next cycle. Don’t be left behind!
This month’s eye opening interview centers about affable TITO XO, the inimitable 
Aschente.
TMS: What country are you from?
Asch: I am from Michigan in the United States
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
Asch: The grossest thing I've ever had to eat to be polite was a sandwich I had picked from a plate at a volunteer thing labeled turkey. It had neglected to mention that it had like 7 pounds of horseradish on it and I struggled to eat half of it before someone started talking and I was able to ignore it in favor of listening to the person.
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
Asch: I don't really have a favorite musician. I listen to a fair amount of electric music though.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
Asch: I never really quit an after school activity. I was fairly active in the av club through highschool.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
Asch: some sort of fruit punch probably. You can't really do carbonated things cause it would go flat and I'm not a fan of cold tea.
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
Asch: my favorite conspiracy theory is easily that earth is flat. If you dig into it there are some insane things they say to attempt to convince others. And I certainly do not believe it.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be?
Asch: It's a solid tie between Jim Butcher and Rick Riordan. Though I'm not sure I would want them in charge of the shows. Their writing is very detailed and visual adaptations never do justice to stuff like that.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
Asch: Any sort of fish. I hate 99% of it.
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
Asch: video games are probably my favorite hobby. Especially now that I've started streaming on twitch a few days a week, it takes up a lot of my time.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
Asch: probably junk food... I am trying to eat less of it but I would never be able to fully stop lol
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
Asch: If fantasy animals are allowed then a dragon would be my choice, otherwise I would say a wolf.
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
Asch: "Why are you reading this biography" or something. I haven't done anything super interesting in life. Not yet at least.
Thank you for the compelling insight into what makes Mr. A tick.
Faithful readers will remember this column featuring local and visiting writers with a literary inclination. We discontinued the column due to lack of contributions, but Emoticonius has resurrected his thread, to our great delight. At that time, we had printed, among other notable short pieces, two parts to a piece that Emoticonius called Totes. We're happy to announce the arrival of the third instalment. Here it is:
It's been two days now. Just two days and yet it feels like an eternity. To think just two days ago he'd been blown up AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE! He looked at himself in the mirror and couldn't help but think aloud, "You sure don't look like you were blown up." Turning back to his computer he came to the realization that he had been given a gift! He had an obligation to use this gift for good! But he couldn't just run around hitting people with his backpack. Not looking like he always does at least.
"It's bound to get messy and there's no way my allowance would be able to cover the cost of a damaged car or a hole in the wall. I'll need a disguise." Looking over to his computer he realized something, "I don't need a disguise...I NEED A COSTUME!" The only place in town that sold costumes was Old Man Elm's Nightmare Emporium and it wasn't gonna open for another eight months! Plus there's no way Old Man Elm would have anything that wasn't made of cheap material. Kyle knew he'd need something a little sturdier. He also knew that his budget wasn't exactly limitless. He couldn't afford to get some kinda awesome suit made from a complex material that was both bullet proof and flame resistant like that of The Obsidian Knight, Chiroptera Man or The Man of Titanium, Superb Man.
He'd have to make due with what his savings from work could get him. He had $400. Hardly enough for a state-of-the-art crime fighting costume. Fortunately for him, the internet had an abundance of people with the skills to build something passable and the will to be a bit flexible with the price. So he logged onto Amazoness Dime and spent the next couple hours scouring it for someone offering their services. It took a while but he found someone offering to do just that. Someone with the username "Ambuscade Ant521982." And for the staggering price of...$19.85!? "There must be a zero missing or a misplaced decimal point. He has a lot of glowing reviews. They all say that his attitude is poor but his products are outstanding. For just under $20 though how could he pass it up? So he contacted Ambusace Ant521982.
"Are you sure your listing was correct? High quality costumes for...$19.85?" As if starting a sales pitch, Ambuscade Ant went on a spiel about it, "That's right, my friend! High quality costumes for the amazing price of $19.85! I know it sounds a bit high but I assure you it is worth every penny! With my products you'll be the envy of everyone at Comic Con. Better yet you'll be fighting crime and flying off the shelves faster than The Red Blur!"
Kyle felt a bit awkward at the sound of it. "Fighting crime? Oh no, you're mistaken. I just want a great costume for Halloween. You're such a kidder, Mr. Ant! He he he he." Whatever you say, kid. You do you. And because I'm such a nice guy, I'll take the cash on delivery. I've already talked with the writer and I know your specifications *exactly.* It'll be at your door in six to eight seconds or your money back." Ambuscade Ant ended the call immediately. "Wait, what?" Kyle looked around frantically, "What are you talking about, Mr. Ant?"
He looked out the window. Lo and behold a Redex truck parked in front of the house. Kyle ran downstairs as fast as he could. He couldn't let his mom find out about it. His amazing new career as a crime fighter would be dead on arrival! Lucky for him she was still out buying dog food. He opened the door so fast he nearly startled the driver. "That'll be $19.85. The sender has already paid for shipping." As frantically as he could Kyle handed the driver $20, "Keep the change."
The driver rolled his eyes as the door was slammed in his face, "Oh boy what am I gonna do with this vast fortune you've bestowed upon me?" Kyle hurried back to his room and opened the box like it was Christmas. Much to his surprise there was indeed a high quality crime fighting costume inside. It felt like one anyways. Not that he knew what one felt like. Even more amazing, it was exactly what he had in mind! From the mask resembling a brown paper bag with a grin bigger than you've ever seen all the way to the stretchy yet somehow durable tote bag that at first looks like an ordinary Meal Ticket brand tote bag. but upon being turned inside out it has written on it in big black letters, "Totes!" It closed securely too to prevent objects from falling out of it. It seemed too good to be true. Yet somehow it was definintely true! Now all that's left is to make his debut. But where was he gonna find a crime in his quiet little mountain town? "It's a shame the bombing happened before I got my powers. I could have made my debut there and maybe stopped a bombing at the same time."
As if on queue Kyle's phone received a notification from the police. "Everyone in town must have got it. Let's see here. Please avoid the hospital until otherwise directed. There's been an attack by a person or persons unknown resulting in multiple casualties. Anyone seeking medical attention should report to the Outland High School Gymnasium where a triage station has been established." Kyle ran outside and made his way towards the hospital as quickly as he could. "This is my chance! This is my time! This is Kyle's time! I can't wait!"
Incidentally, The W.R.I.T.E. Club is looking for writers to contribute, either prose or poetry. It is entirely likely we at TMS will continue to publish these efforts.
Last month we noted the first step in Taco Island Charities Newsroom Stipends, and that TMS was the lucky first recipient of this award. We are pleased to announce that, as a result, The Mad Surfer is, also for the first time, able to pay our staff on a monthly basis. (That sound you hear is our small but vocal staff celebrating) In addition, new writers can now negotiate pay for their efforts. We are looking for…well, just about anything, so if you can wield a pen, apply for the job!
by
THX1138In ancient Greece there were a group of teachers known as Sophists. They were essentially hired intellectual guns for the nobility and for young statesmen to obtain training in subjects considered virtuous at the time. This could range from mathematics to athletics, but most frequently the teachings emphasised the use of the tools of philosophy and rhetoric, and the ability to make convincing arguments. This, in society where thought and language were the fulcrum on which civilization and democracy pivoted.
Sophists can be said to be the precursor to modern day lawyers and were described by Aristophanes as 'hairsplitting wordsmiths'. Plato was no great fan of the Sophists, mainly because they charged for their services instead of sharing their knowledge freely for the betterment of society. They were wealthy, they were aloof, they were argumentative, and they suffered in their time from a deteriorating reputation, much of which they brought on themselves. History has not been kind to the Sophists. Today, words like Sophistry and Sophism have now come to mean deliberately misleading or fallacious arguments, deceitful means to ends, lawyer's tricks, weasel words.
Those who embrace sophistry in its modern context are alive and well today, and are extremely common. Anyone familiar with the 48 Laws of Power will recognize the inherent deceitfulness of the Sophists in terms of what those rules ask of an individual in terms of the language they must use to achieve their goals. These are the modern day gaslighters, demagogues, corporate psychopaths, etc.
Nation States, too, is a society built on words, and as such is not immune from these influences. Sophistry is a commonly used tool, especially in the WA, and particularly in recent arguments about the nature of the Security Council. What the Council has traditionally stood for is under threat from those who would see its mandate weakened. What was once universally abhorred in the SC is now frequently tolerated, and if certain elements have their way, will eventually be celebrated. Our NS society is at the tipping point on that fulcrum of civilization and democracy previously mentioned, and it will be by words that that tipping occurs.
A cautionary word, then, about the demagogues in our midst, and their seemingly reasonable but ultimately destructive and self-serving arguments. A reminder, to be vigilant and to beware of that which undermines the Council in its mission and mandate to provide security to the vulnerable regions of Nation States. An appeal, to fortify that mandate through your democratic vote in not applauding or excusing those who do harm to other regions, but rather to hold them to account for their choices and their actions.
Which brings us to June's first resolution, in review…
SCR#310 "Commend Crushing Our Enemies": The latest in Jakker's ongoing efforts to undermine the Security Council and render it inert. Despite being rejected by voters in a previous incarnation, this resolution was revised in true sophist form to both obscure reality and exploit the uninitiated. 75% supported the commendation, at least as it stands as a work of fiction.
GAR#491 "Rights of The Employed": Not quite as advertised, this resolution was less concerned with enhancing the rights of the employed and more concerned with enhancing the rights of a very select few among the employed. It wasn't very comprehensive. It was exceptionally agendist and overtly political. It barely passed, and there are a variety of reason why it should be repealed and replaced with better law.
SCR#371 "Commend 9003": In somewhat the same vein as Commend CoE above, albeit to a lesser degree, 9003 is a nation with a lot of admirable accomplishments in their region and in NS writ large, but there's that raider activity that's tough to overlook. Like Commend CoE, the supporting vote was about 75%
GAR#492 "Proper Hygiene For Medical Instruments": While I didn't care much for last month's repeal of 'Ensuring Safe Syringe Use', it did pave the way for this quite excellent piece of legislation. The scope of this resolution was much broader and laid down some universal rules for safer medical practice. 91% support.
SCR#312 "Repeal: 'Liberate Iran'": Another purpose built Kuriko special, seeking to return the ability to Iran to impose a password as first step toward an eventual clean-up and refound. Dedicated native Iramerica submitted the ask and 88% of voters were on-side with the plan.
GAR#493 "Language and Education Rights for Deaf Individuals": Title pretty much says it all. Good bit of business and loads of support with 94% voting in favour.
SC[b] "Commend Apulita" (did not pass): Seeking to celebrate the target's accomplishments in the Warzone community, but unfortunately there wasn't a lot else in terms of wider contributions to the community. 75% voted against, mainly because it was a bit too niche.
[b]GAR#494 "Regulating Desalination": Mostly harmless. It didn't strike me as legislation that was needed, but it certainly didn't do any harm, and passed with a little over 2/3 support..
SC "Repeal 'Condemn Vandoosa'" (did not pass): …and why would it?
GAR#495 "Supporting and Valuing the Humanities": I seem to recall their being an earlier attempt at something similar, but not sure if by the same author. Anyhow, this one got loads of support, and featured a practical plan for promoting sociocultural education throughout the multiverse
SCR#313 "Commend The Salaxalans": Commending the target for their many potato-based accomplishments, as well as leading roles in regional and international politics and diplomacy. Passed easily with wide support.
GA "Standards on Police Accountability" (did not pass): An effort to capitalise on the bad news of the day, this hastily written resolution wasn't very well crafted or well-received. 60% against, although, with that close a margin, a thoughtful rewrite and some time on the forum might produce a viable follow-up.
SCR#314 "Condemn Australian RePublic": An IC condemnation focusing mainly on the target's contributions in issue authorship, albeit not much else. This could have been better written and given more dimension and going the IC route limited that. It may have worked better as a straight commendation, regardless, it still passed with 66% in favour.
GAR#496 "Fair Arbitration Act": Mainly custodial, but still establishing some reasonable rules around the arbitration process, to ensure fair practices and removing the element of duress on bargaining through forced arbitration. Pretty easy choice for most, who passed it with 84% of the vote.
Vote well!
Deputy Minister Sargon reman, just prior to his abrupt departure, appointed our newest Featured Nation, Willeharlia!
The Empire of Wille-Harlia is a huge, socially progressive nation, notable for its museums and concert halls and devotion to social welfare. The compassionate, hard-working, democratic population of 308 million Wille-Harlians hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.
The medium-sized government prioritizes Administration, with Education, Industry, and Welfare also on the agenda. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Cavaliersburg. The average income tax rate is 44.7%, but much higher for the wealthy.
The all-consuming Wille-Harlian economy, worth 27.6 trillion.
To get the whole story, read this: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39309/10000-islands-featured-nation-harlia.
Just as we were going to press, we received an alert from our InterIslands News Bureau. The Senator of Himes West, Marxist germany, has named the RoQ for this, the third quarter of 2020. The recipient of this award had to rush to this ceremony directly after receiving his Featured Nation Award, the very same Wille-Harlia! Evidently not one to rest on his laurels, Mr. WH was short of breath as he humbly accepted his award.
Featuring
Sandy ShoalsDear Sandy, I've been seeing a really nice guy, and agreed to marry him. My mother warned me he was he cheating kind, and told me she had been seeing his car around town. I stopped by his place one evening shortly before the wedding and found him in bed with another woman. He said it was a one-off, and swore he would never do it again. I let him think I believed him. In the meantime, I urged his mother and sister to quickly send off invitations. I maintained the pretense throughout. I let my family and friends know the wedding was off. The day of the wedding, I sat in my car, with my father and brother, down the street from the church, having left a note on the church door: “Stay with Jazmin, you deserve each other.” I took a great deal of delight watching people show up and puzzle it out. Tell me, was I right?
- Vengeance is Mine
Dear Vengeance, ordinarily I don't advise in favor of revenge, but this creep really had it coming. I, too, enjoyed the notion of your would be groom and guests arriving to meet disappointment. My hat's off to you, sister; I couldn't have devised a better plan. It seems calculated, but not unfeeling. Revenge might be a dish served hot after all.
Are you troubled too? Are you one of the many who seek advice for personal or professional problems? Ask Sandy Shoals!
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITES
The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. And now WE CAN PAY YOU! Yes, we actually now have a payroll department! Stringent job examination includes placing a mirror in front of your mouth to see if it fogs up. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.
The Ministry of Labour is looking for Award Designers. Apply to Markanite or new Awards Czar Hakketomat. Be sure to check out the job description here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39031/awards-designs-needed.
As always, XKI needs Emissaries to help conduct our foreign affairs. Please apply here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37610/emissaries-needed.
These job opening and more can be found publicly posted here: https://10000islands.proboards.com/board/71/10000-islands-job-opportunities.
You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: http://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, THX1138, Sandy Shoals, Sherlock Quixote;
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky;
