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Dispatch → Account → Diplomacy
Epic Rap Battles of History Volume 1: Ivan Kovalenko vs Alastair Kehrer IV
Your alcoholism brought you to a coma
Marie’s a murderous ho
You’re being outshined by SoMac
If you’re a drinker then I’m sober
Your country’s less relevant than Manitoba*
Good day to you Your Majesty
It really is a tragedy
How much a failure you are to your father
You're drinking bottles like they'll suddenly
Evaporate magical-ly
Instead of running that pathetic island.
You call that a country?
More like a tiny speck on the world map that everyone forgets about
With a senseless name nobody sane would even waste their time learning how to pronounce.
While you've been drinking, I've been thinking
How to best improve my nation
I've got the big stick and the liberty to make your fat knees quiver
Good King dejected
I'm elected
By the voting of my people
Your position was obtained by the blood in your veins which you poisoned by chugging down your alcohol!
To see how much your stomach has ballooned.
Too much borscht and pierogi with a side of Vodkvass does not give you a figure, ooh!
Thou mammering fat-kidneyed horse-back-breaker
If it hit thee in the face thou wouldn't even recognize
Quality literature, for thine eyes are stuck inside a tiny cavity
Where most people have brains, thou hast hypocrisy
I've seen thee so intoxicated, inebriated, trashed, wasted
Unable to hold a single shot without keeling over
I don't think you'd last a day without your silly Vodkvass
Keep in mind, your people chose to stick a useless drunkard in the office!
Your Parliament runs around like a bunch of monkeys
You can't even into space
You add no value to the human race
You rip off words from Shakespeare to hide that you're a moron
Your insults are so flimsy they make beer look strong
I push for economic freedom
And democracy, THOU HEATHEN!
Slavs take chubby kings like you and use them as our doormats
While I drafted a doctrine, you gave yourself cirrhosis!
I even have a cult of personality
All you've got's a signature and half-finished wiki
I'm a civil servant for my country
YOU'RE JUST A MYSTERY!
How long until zour't annexed by the Russians again
Give it a few years, my dearest friend
For thy nation gets invaded as we're shuffling our paychecks
And thou spouts't these petty rhymes from behind ze Iron Curtain!
Thou'rt a disgrace to our bloodline
Drinking thyself to near death
While you grieve over mine
I know
Thou can do better than zis
I know you've got the gall to bring our nation to greatness!
Don't waste it all on your vices
Thou hast a crown, a family, put down those two glasses!
If thou think'st zou hast any magnanimity in zee left
You'll step aside and let the REAL King Alastair do all ze rappin'!
Thou'rt not in zis fight
'Tis between me and zis hooligan who has no knowledge of Shakespeare!
Let ze living do ze talking
Walk on back, it's my turn, Vater,
Let me handle Ivan and own him like Kenneth Branagh!
WF would like to thank 
Minskiev for the gloriousness that is Ivan Kovalenko and apologize for any harm done, for they are a legend on F7. WF would also like to thank Kiu ghesik for compelling WF to write this dispatch.
*Freestyle by Ivan himself, aka Minskiev.
Seriously, though, you can TG me for who won/who on F7 is next...or I could create a thread in the forums. That might be easier.
