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DispatchAccountCulture

by Mazda-otta. . 321 reads.

Book of Tuber

  1. Trigori, Intul, Manata, and Vissegaard, came into existence in a desolate potato field
    They were not mortals, but gods, coming from everything and nothing
    The gods were nothing, and everything, wandering the empty potato fields
    "Let us fill these fields with life", brothers, spoke Trigori, as he cast his hand over the field
    From his palm came seeds, and from these seeds, came the potato
    So potatoes filled the field, and the gods worked the land, harvesting healthy potato
    But Intul cried out first "My hands hurt, and my bones ache, this work is not fit for gods!"
    Intul's tears watered the soil, and the potatoes grew bitter and salty
    "Do not let these tears go to waste, my Brother" and casting his hands across the field, the tears became Slavs
    The Slavs looked just like the four gods, and there were many of them
    "Work in these potato fields until the end of time. In return, I bless you with the gift of life
    Before me, once every seven days, offer us four a share of your crops, and you may keep the rest"
    And with those vague instructions passed down onto the Slavs
    The four gods ventured up high into the sky to rest

  2. The Slavs worked, day and night, and every seven days, an offering of potatoes were brought before an altar to the four gods
    And all was peaceful and quiet. The Slavs worked in harmony, never fighting.
    But Intul's tears are bitter and salty, and the Slavs were made from those very tears. They were flawed
    And so in time, the Slavs grew discontent. "Why must be give up our crops!" cried the Slavs
    So it was, the Slavs rebelled against the gods. But not all Slavs turned against their masters
    A Great War was fought in the fields, with the potato crop being watered with the blood of the Slavs
    It was Vissegaard who led the faithful in battle against the damned, for he was the aspect of war and fury
    Manata punished the unfaithful captured in battle, by sending them below the potato fields to work in the Salt Mines forever
    Intul taught the good Slavs, that the path to victory is won by pen and blade, and watered by blood, and so he educated them
    But it was Trigori who was the wisest
    The four gods, and their followers, destroyed the unfaithful Slavs, and banished the most wicked ones into the Salt Mines
    But Manata's fury did not end there. "You no longer deserve to be Slavs, for you have disgraced their name"
    And with a wave of his hand, all the Slavs were cursed to be filthy Western Americans.
    And so ended the reign of the Slavs on the potato fields.

  3. Vissegaard looked in disgust at these vile creations that Manata has created.
    The Westerners fought day and night, over petty matters, and there was no end.
    Vissegaard grew frustrated by this incessant bickering, for instead of growing potatoes, they argued
    And so, he left this world, tearing his way out, and now they were three
    "I too, am ashamed that the very beings we cared for are now fighting constantly" said Trigori
    And so, he came down to the potato fields and spoke
    "I demand you cease your arguing at once" said Trigori
    "Who are you? You have no power over me, and I shall not listen!" said a Westerner named Sovietsparta
    "Ignorant mortal! I shall not be made a fool in front of your peers!"
    And so Trigori went back, very salty over being humiliated in front of his creations.
    Sovietsparta cursed the divine three's name, and he raised his own group of followers
    Seattleninja was his disciple. In time, Sovietsparta's group of wicked men rose to the thousands
    "The divine three do not care what we say, nor what we do!" declared Sovietsparta
    "I am your King now. No supposed God shall rule us!" said Sovietsparta
    Trigori, in his rage, banished Sovietsparta, Seattleninja, and his sinful followers into the eternal salt mines
    "You mortals have not learned anything! I will punish you more!"
    And so the Americans were removed from the holy potato fields, and dumped into the RMB.

  4. The children of Intul's Tears were left on their own, for the divine three fell asleep for ages
    The children of Intul's Tears strayed from The Divine Three's path, no light to guide them
    Darkness overpowered light, and so the inhabitants of the RMB lived a godless life
    To forget their problems, the people of the RMB made paper cone hats and wore them with great pride
    They acted out great battles from the Great War, and called this Roleplay
    Intul woke up to release the contents of his anus, and so he laid his eyes upon the sad people
    "Oh how they suffer, it pains me" cried Intul, as he missed, and godly fecal matter fell from the sky
    The RMB, living and breathing, was already sickly from the filthy Americans living on it
    "Woe upon you, and your children" he said as he keeled over and died from having fecal matter rain down upon him
    His corpse rotted, and Intul's poo made the RMB a cancerous hell hole
    The Americans fell over and died, their deaths unmourned
    "Pls send help" prayed one American, turning to the Divine Three when all hope was lost
    Trigori awoke from his slumber, and saw the cone hat wearing Americans dying by the hundreds from the cancer
    "I am a Slav, you are below me" said Trigori
    And so he went back to sleep

Mazda-otta

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