After the surprisingly popular Little Miss Kristalmaan Pageant was revealed to contain a pole dancing competition, concerned parents have been protesting the very existence of child beauty pageants. After weeks of moral outrage and increasingly annoying megaphone chants, you finally agreed to call a megaphone-free meeting regarding this latest controversial issue.
"What a load of baloney," scoffs former child model and pageant aficionado Catherine Gratwick, as she poses for your personal photographer. "These competitions are more than just bathing suits and giant hairdos. They teach girls important life skills, like discipline, talent development, and bribing officials. I loved being in beauty pageants as a child and I turned out just fine! The government should quit trying to force its morals on children. That's what parents are for."
A girl's success in life is often linked to her performance in beauty pageants.
Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on Kristalmaan's rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?
"There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist Naki Longbottom. "Abolish those archaic laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones."
Same-sex marriages are increasingly common.
Bigtopian Balsam - an invasive weed with an extremely short gestation period, rapid growth, and hallucinogenic properties - has infested Kristalmaan's hillsides. After smothering endangered wildflowers and crop-laden fields alike, an unlikely coalition of environmentalists and business owners have petitioned the government for action.
"Eureka!" exclaims drug dealer-turned-scientist Peter O'Bannon. "Bigtopian Balsam's growth is astounding! Imagine if we utilized their genes for other crops, like wheat or corn? We could plant and harvest it within a month, feeding all of Kristalmaan. That means no more importing foodstuffs from other countries! There might be a tiny chance of psychotropic side-effects, but that's nothing compared to the economic benefits!"
Visions of giant pink rabbits are a common side effect after Kristalians eat their meals.