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by Kristalmaan. . 18 reads.

Issue Roundup 9/16

The Issue

After tarot cards and a Ouija-board were found in the dormitory of three teenage girls who committed suicide, paranormal objects and occult rites have become the center of a heated debate on the rising popularity of New Age spirituality.

Accepted Position

“Possession? Are you serious?” queries Yasmin Longbottom, your unbearably uptight Minister of Conventional Solutions, while closing your curtains so as to not let the sunshine in. “These girls clearly had some issues, but not of the demonic kind. Depressed teenagers need to be dealt with through education and our health system, not through ‘channeling’, dirty bacchanals or waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars. Funky New Age spirituality only makes these things worse, especially for sensitive youngsters. To prevent this kind of thing in the future, we must increase mental health spending and set a minimum age on alternative religion.”

Result

Turning eighteen is often referred to as the 'Age of Aquarius'.
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The Issue

Citizens staged a mass protest against ‘monolithic’ tax rates after the government recently instituted the ‘Anything That’s Purple’ tax.

Accepted Position

“The tax situation in Kristalmaan is ridiculous,” says Margaret Zaius at the protest. “The taxes keep getting piled on and yet - I hasten to add - the government doesn’t seem to realise that they already have practically all our money! We’ve been reduced to bartering for goodness sake! I haven’t seen a decent wad of Crystals in years! It’s bad for Kristalmaan, but more importantly, it’s bad for business. We must take huge cuts out of the government budget. Even if it does mean less education, healthcare, and whatnot.”

Result

Government officials have to mortgage their homes to make ends meet.
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The Issue

Following the ban on cars, a criminal alliance dominated by Olympic-class sprinters has sprung up, resulting in hundreds of running footwear shops being robbed. Kristalmaan’s police force has requested that they be allowed to ride rabbits as a substitute for their inability to chase these athletic thugs on foot.

Accepted Position

“It’s brilliant, if you ask me,” says portly Police Chief Lisbeth Blofeld while enjoying a doughnut break. “Chasing criminals on foot is so tiresome now that we can’t have our cars. If the government allowed Mounties, the entire process would be so much easier. We wouldn’t even need to put handcuffs on suspects, since we’d just trample ‘em down!”

Result

Police officers ride the swiftest rabbits.
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The Issue

Falling standards at Kristalmaan’s retirement homes have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment.

Accepted Position

“There needs to be more done for the elderly,” says Freddy Pavlov, a resident of ‘This Old Man’ retirement home. “We can’t work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of Crystals. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort.”

Result

Retirement homes are often fitted with luxurious suites.
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The Issue

After a prominent artist was arrested for attempting to chisel the historic frontage of a particularly ugly courthouse into a sculpture, architectural firms and aspiring artists have petitioned you to renovate crumbling government buildings.

Accepted Position

“These old buildings are ugly and falling apart!” bemoans aspiring artist Barry Schultz, while painting nude artwork of you as a form of protest. “If you let artists redesign your buildings, even amateurs, I guarantee the future of our nation will be more colorful, creative, and interesting! All we need is your permission and lots and lots of paint!”

Result

Artists from across the nation compete to renovate the restrooms of old government buildings.

Kristalmaan

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