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by Kristalmaan. . 19 reads.

Issues Roundup 10/23

And so the goddess queen emerged after the Great Battle and Long Winter and reestablished order, love, and justice.

The Issue

A shocking exposé on tourist attraction OceanWorld has revealed the mistreatment of captive orcas and other marine animals. Your office has since faced a tidal wave of complaints demanding government action.

Accepted Position

“Perhaps there could be a compromise?” queries your Minister of Environment, Agnes Lacombe, who has been smelling like grass lately. “Ending zoos would harm the tourism industry, and we can’t deny that these programs help endangered species. Why don’t we set a limit on what animals they take? Specifically the endangered ones? I’m sure that we can also force tougher standards to ensure OceanWorld treats the animals humanely as well.”

Result

The endangered saltwater humpback rabbit is only seen in captivity programs.
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The Issue

There is a growing call within Kristalmaan to abolish smoking in public areas.

Accepted Position

“What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner Sipho Ward. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of Kristalmaan’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”

Result

An underground movement of cigarette smokers has sprung up in response to a government ban.
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The Issue

As the Blackacre Olympics approaches, your diplomatic advisors have questioned whether Kristalmaan’s athletes should travel to a country known for civil rights abuses. Activists and athletes alike are taking their marks in your mountainside chateau, ready and set to go on with the debate.

Accepted Position

As soon as your aides close the door, it bursts open again as an upside down bobsled drifts into your chateau, stopping just before your priceless Maxtopian vase. Your aides turn around the bobsled, revealing the Moon-Touched bobsled team, who came in last place at the previous Winter Olympics. “Yo, mon, what if Kristalmaan hosted its own sporting competition for like-minded nations?” asks the captain of the team, Barack Stark, as the team steps up to lift the bobsled over their heads. “Our sportsmen and women deserve the chance to compete in these games, but most of us don’t feel comfortable in these tin-pot dictatorships. This way we all get to compete and we send a message to our enemies.” The bobsledders walk out of your office, as everyone in the room begins to slowly applaud the team.

Result

The World Matriarchy Games have been won again by Kristalmaan as no other country cares enough to compete.
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The Issue

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

Accepted Position

“Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Zelda Rifkin. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”

Result

Military units are often seen arguing over which one is truly favored by the gods.
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The Issue

After a recent initiative to plant vast farms of avocados in the tundra of Northern Kristalmaan proved to be a massive failure, people have begun questioning the wisdom and competence of the highly influential Organization for Unilaterally Researching Science, Trade, Agriculture, Land, Investments and Nationalization. Functionaries from all levels of the Party have lined up outside your office, demanding action.

Accepted Position

“Typical. The nomenklatura are unable to see beyond the existing state of things,” says Kim, a high ranking Party official that, in a surprising turn of events, has no family connection to you whatsoever. “To advance to the next Historical stage, we must abolish the counter-revolutionary family ties that cloud our judgments and breed corruption. We’ll set up mating programs to ensure a healthy flow of offspring and raise all developing Kristalians as wards of the state. Sure, it doesn’t really solve the avocado dilemma, and it might be a tad expensive and complicated to administer, but I’m sure it’ll completely eliminate our corruption problem in the long run. Or increase it. Well, there’s only one surefire way to find out.”

Result

Government-sanctioned speed mating is rife with Party-sanctioned abuse of power.

Kristalmaan

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