1
Dispatch → Factbook → Legislation
by 
The Federation of Roborian.
.
22 reads.
Issues Addressed III
Issue 553: Cede Our Seeds?The Issue
Biotech firm McSanto LLC has developed a new genetically engineered corn, with 200% more “butter” flavor and a guarantee to be free of those stringy bits that get stuck in your teeth. They’ve also engineered every mature kernel to be sterile, while marketing a special starter seed at premium prices. Angry supporters of small farms are demanding you lend an ear.
The Debate
“These Frankenfood monstrosities are nothing more than a means for McSanto to drive its competition out of business,” complains Maize Zea, founder of Stop Engineering Edibles Darnit! “Engineered sterilization prevents small family and subsistence farmers from saving and reusing seed. This means they have to buy all new and expensive seed for every single crop... and only from McSanto! Do the right thing by abolishing genetically modified organisms and engineered sterilization! Don’t let the big biotech firms grind Roborian into cornmeal!”
“Engineered sterilization provides us with the ability to ensure that genetically modified organisms stay targeted to farms and orchards, allowing our precious natural spaces and native species remain unblemished. This way, future generations can prosper from better foods and a greener world,” recites Stover Cob, CEO of McSanto LLC, reading from a prepared statement, and setting a gourmet popcorn gift basket on your desk. “Besides, without the ability to draw new agricultural business, McSanto wouldn’t be able to recover the millions of Tokens it spends on research and development. That means less buttery goodness on the table! Show you have some grits - support agriculture and support McSanto!”
While fiddling with a toothpick, Dr. Flint Shoepeg chimes in: “No doubt everyone benefits from the improvements companies like McSanto make to our crops. Those stringy bits really are - OW! - um, really are very annoying. But driving Mom ‘n Pop out of business wouldn’t be right either. Why don’t you discourage engineered sterilization, but support my research in chemical-based genetic rights management?” He retrieves some dental floss from a pocket before continuing: “This way, small farmers can still save seed, but McSanto can require the purchase of an activator spray that will turn their value-added features on. Sure, there’s a small risk from runoff, but - OW!”
If this nukes my Agriculture, I am going to be serious PO'd
Anyway, they make the seed, they get to sell it, their call
Issue 563: Resistance is Fertile?
The Issue
An outbreak of an antibiotic-resistant super-bacterium has killed five people in Roborian City, and epidemiologists are linking the emergence of this strain to contaminated chicken meat from poultry given regular doses of antibiotics. Health officials, farmers and consumers are searching for solutions to prevent another outbreak.
The Debate
“There’s a simple solution,” says Sydney Richardson, head of the Roborian Public Health Board. “Ban antibiotic use on animals. Antibiotic overuse promotes drug-resistant bacteria, and the chemicals involved are also tainting the food chain. If animals get sick, cull them. Super-bugs will be a thing of the past!”
“The government must not do that!” shouts Aphrodite Yoo, Head Poultry Butcher at ChickensBoxed Inc. “We will lose revenue and efficiency! We raise thousands of birds here and antibiotics allow us more meat per unit, more units per square metre and more units per Token. You should allow us to use whatever drugs we need to keep the farming industry strong!”
“Does anyone forget to mention why chickens get sick?” asks young farmer Ned Farmer, as he pets Mrs. Tweedy, the favourite of his five chickens. “It’s because they are cooped up in cages, unable to move, to develop their bodies, and exercise. The solution is for free-range farming to be mandatory. Meat will then be fresher, healthier and better tasting. We’ll need more room, of course, so perhaps the government could donate us some city parks to convert?”
“Wait a minute! Has anybody thought about the little guy here? By which I mean, the poor, destitute pharmaceuticals industry?” questions Big Pharma executive Ebenezer Mann, as he steps off his private jet. “If you block out sales, our profits will fall by several percent, and jobs will be lost. Perhaps instead subsidise investment into the NEXT generation of antibiotics? That way farmers can use antibiotics all day long, and we’ll likely still have new tools to treat sick patients with.”
I'm happy to take whatever antibiotics I need to keep my food cheap and nice
Issue 199: More Jails Needed
The Issue
Since prisons were banned, Roborian’s crime rate has skyrocketed and calls have been made for the creation of a new prison system.
The Debate
“I don’t think we can bear it any longer,” says Jazz Guterres, victim of three robberies and one attempted stabbing. “The criminals have taken over Roborian. I’d say it’s not safe to leave the front door unlocked but there aren’t any left! We have GOT to reintroduce prisons and dramatically increase police funding if this nation’s going to be restored to the way it once was, you know? A place where you don’t need a mantrap on the doormat or seven sets of keys. If that money has to come from silly things like social welfare and education, that’s fine with me.”
“Jails? What are they good for?” asks Moff Navratilova, a shifty-looking advisor of yours. Eyes too close together. “All they do is create a drain on the public purse and for what? Keeping society’s malcontents alive and in places of luxurious comfort? It’s not worth it. Just forget this jail business and while we’re at it, cut the police budget. If there’s ever a worse criminal organisation out there, it’s Roborian’s boys in orangey-pink. Trust me.”
All right, if there's actually no jails, there is at least some use to them
Issue 655: No Bones About It
The Issue
A group of religious fanatics have broken into the Roborian City Natural History Museum and destroyed a 75 million-year-old Gorgosaurus skeleton - the only one of its kind in Roborian.
The Debate
“Those maniacs! They blew it all up! Damn them!” wails Dr. Alana Grant, pop-palaeontologist and author of the dubiously-researched Tyrannosaurs of the Jurassic, falling to her knees in horror. “Skeletons like this one provide rare and valuable insight about the history of life on our planet. We must do everything we can to stop these fools from destroying important scientific artifacts! Fortify and defend our museums, by violent means if necessary!”
Dr Maurice Zaius, self proclaimed defender of the faith, slams his religion’s holy scrolls down on your desk, smashing your collection of rare ammonites. “These devout believers were doing the work of the Divine! These demon-lizards are fakes, from the depths of damnation! They are fabrications, to promote the ungodly theory that I call EVIL-lution. We should shut down these houses of lies that call themselves museums, and instead create temples that teach only Holy Truth. Sic semper tyrannosaurus!”
Mathematician Elsa Zhimo, wearing a #notallpriests T-shirt, has the decency to look embarrassed by the previous speaker. “I’m thinking the underlying problem here is that followers of science and religion are always taught to be adversarial to each other. Couldn’t we address that instead, with government-sponsored Faith Academies reconciling the scientific method with theological debate? Many of the greatest advancements were historically made by faith-led nations. Shall we see if we can join them?”
“This raises an interesting point,” muses patriotic soldier Victoria Hoskins. “I hear these dinosaurs were gigantic, killer monsters that ate flesh and struck fear into all who opposed them! Forget the bones of the past - you should be resurrecting those beasts to attack the enemies of Roborian. Imagine a pack of hungry Velociraptors, tearing apart your terrified foes!”
Theology is the Queen of the Sciences, after all, and truth found by each connects to the other
Issue 332: Summit Security Spending Stirs Strife
The Issue
After Roborian agreed to host the annual Organization of Really Dominant Economic Regimes (ORDER) summit, opposition parties have slammed the government for planning to spend over a billion Tokens on security alone. They are demanding an explanation.
The Debate
Your press secretary speaks on your behalf at a press conference. “In times of terror and uncertainty, it’s imperative we take all necessary precautions. After all, Roborian is playing host to the world and has an obligation to provide top-notch security. A small tax hike to keep us and our allies safe is absolutely worth it. After all, these summits always bring out dangerous anarchists. If we don’t arm the police for the worst, a world leader could get shot!”
“A billion Tokens on security? Outrageous!” exclaims seasoned and radical protester Danni Powers, while recovering from the effects of pepper spray. “No previous host spent nearly that much. This is a summit about strengthening the economy. How does blowing a billion Tokens on this improve the economy? It doesn’t! That’s money better spent on us, the people! Our tax money should be going to teaching our children better math skills, not buying another taser!”
Really, you can hold the summits in other countries. We don't need the taxes
Issue 312: The Empire Strikes First
The Issue
Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on Roborian’s foreign policy—specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.
The Debate
“We need to respond to these terrorist scumbags!” roars General Bongani Park, turning a slightly alarming shade of purple. “I say we announce any illegal weapons program will be treated as an act of war! The risk of harsh words turning into an endless conflict that mires our troops in far-off lands for years at a time is a small price to pay for national security! If you don’t act now, these foreigners will think they can push us around forever! They must be taught a lesson, for the good of the Federation!”
Diplomatic bureaucrat Harley Venkman remarks calmly, “There’s no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used an appropriate international body—the World Assembly, say, or a Right to Life tribunal—to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape.”
“If these countries don’t respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?” wonders political analyst Ludwig Cox. “Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason: no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple: if we have WMDs of our own, they won’t dare to strike at us. It may seem mad, but in this crazy world, it’s the sanest thing we could do.”
Noted pacifist and tambourine artist Samus Kidman replies, “As usual, our nation’s proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”
Took a bit of thought, but while I would always be against their use, there is greater peace and security in deterrence
Issue 543: Flash, Aaaaargh!
The Issue
A flash mob caused a public health risk and thousands of Tokens in damage after being directed by an online user calling himself Flashy_G. Apparently, the stunt has left the affected area suffused with a choking stench and at least six terrified onlookers have been admitted to hospital with panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. Many of those impacted are demanding you take action.
The Debate
“They can’t keep getting away with this,” states Chief of Police Sheldon Orbison calmly, eyes fixed on a slow motion playback of the incident’s CCTV footage. “This snot nosed little punk wasted an entire day’s worth of police time with unnecessary evacuations and dealing with panicking crowds. An online perpetual ID system should be used, so home-grown terrorists can’t hide behind their shrouds of anonymity.”
“I thought it was pretty funny,” says Barry Yalen, an itchy-looking teenager scratching at his crotch. “All he said was that it might be droll if a couple of thousand people all showed up to the mall on Tuesday the 18th at 11:32 am and did the Lice Bucket Challenge. He never TOLD anyone to do it. Just that, you know, it’d be funny if people did! You can’t start getting mad at people for saying something would be cool. Don’t step on our freedoms, man!”
“We shouldn’t infringe freedom of speech, but we need to do something,” grumbles janitor Ali van Gogh, wielding a pest-spray and mop. “As far as I’m concerned, it’s the kids who empty out buckets of bugs who need to be punished. If I told them to jump in front of a bus, would they do it? Personal responsibility is what I’m talking about - have the system sentence all two thousand of these idiots, and put them to community service making the nation a better place.”
“You know the real problem is how fast Flashy_G was able to spread chaos,” observes your Minister of Memetic Warfare, carefully replacing the ink cartridge in her fountain pen. “These little online social media apps can reach hundreds of thousands of people in seconds. That’s faster than the police can act or we can counter it. This could escalate from pesky teens spreading pests, to actual mobs destroying our government. On the other hand, if we can control the flow of information, then we can control the country. My people can secretly take control of the social media sites and track down this troublemaker and any others who emerge. Then, rather than silence them, we can adjust their activities to suit our needs.”
OK, yeah, pouring out buckets of bugs in a public area shouldn't be legal
Issue 373: Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap
The Issue
A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.
The Debate
“Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!” lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. “We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it’ll cost a pretty Token, but the dissertations will be enthralling.”
“Oh sure, let’s spend millions of Tokens to find out what’s in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it’s just WATER,” your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. “There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing Roborian needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous.”
I'm sure other countries can do the science, let me keep my money
Issue 164: License to Breed?
The Issue
Increasing reports of child abuse and neglect in Roborian has prompted local pressure groups to call for ‘parental licences’.
The Debate
“You need a licence to keep Cows or drive a car,” points out local current affairs commentator, Kirby Black. “So why should just any random idiot get to be a mother or father? It just doesn’t make sense! If all potential parents had to pass tests to prove they’re responsible enough, I’m sure you’d find that it would help decrease the level of child abuse, and increase proper discipline in the home.”
“This is madness!” screams Rey Hadfield. “You can’t deny perfectly good people the right to bring life into this world! Cows manage it easily enough, and you can’t tell me they’ve got more responsibility than your average upstanding citizen of Roborian! The government should keep out of such matters - I’ve always said social workers and welfare was a drain on the budget. Yes, there will be some sad cases of neglect, but shouldn’t we be giving parents the benefit of the doubt?”
“The answer to this problem is patently obvious,” says Zeus Nguyen, your Minister of Social Welfare. “The government simply needs to give more funding to the welfare department so that we can recruit more social workers to carry out regular checks on parents and judge whether or not they’re doing a good job of looking after their children. It’ll be expensive, but at least it’s a damn sight fairer than licensing parents.”
No, no, no. No license, no taking kids from me. Not good.
Issue 102: For Whom The Road Tolls
The Issue
A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five Tokens a day for vehicular access to Roborian’s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.
The Debate
“Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere,” says Salvatore Bronte, Roborian’s most infamous traffic warden. “It’s common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don’t see why people shouldn’t pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads.”
“These tolls are a preposterous idea,” argues road lobbyist, Aldo Hart. “Public transport will never replace the car - I don’t want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it’s the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they’re to expect Roborian to be part of the modern world.”
“Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place,” says Efthamia Oliver, a famous environmentalist. “The solution is to restrict private transport to main roads and motorways whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer a little, and yes, there’ll be a bit more tax, but wouldn’t it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?”
Especially as a non-driver, I like the idea of more open pedestrian areas, and public transport is fine
Issue 751: Cows Breed Contempt
The Issue
A legal battle is raging between the Roborian Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare Cow subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark Cow, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.
The Debate
“I’m all for protecting truly endangered animals,” grumbles Michonne Wang, the head of the housing firm, “but you can’t walk ten feet in Roborian without tripping over a Cow. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I’m trying to build houses for people – your people – and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job.”
“But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed Cow, is truly unique!” squeals Tim Dahl, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby Cow. “This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed.”
“With all due respect, you’re huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter,” chastens Ben Kringle, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. “We don’t need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don’t they? I’m sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark Cow will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats.”
Glow-in-the-dark cows seem pretty cool, so let's keep them, but the original habitat isn't really that important to me. Economics beats that.
Issue 338: The Silence and the Fury
The Issue
A large, silent mass of people have staged a sit-in around the government buildings in Roborian City to protest noise pollution.
The Debate
The leader of the protest, Sy Lance, slips a handwritten letter across your desk. It reads: “The noise level in this city has become simply unbearable. I cannot walk down the street without having my delicate auditory faculties assaulted! For the sake of Roborian’s hearing, you must enact stricter noise pollution laws. I implore you!”
“WHAT?! YOU WANT TO BAN NOISE?! WELL, SOME OF US AREN’T OVERSENSITIVE! WE LIKE NOISE!” bellows a local construction worker. “I DON’T BUST MY HUMP WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT JUST TO HAVE THESE SISSIES TELL ME I NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN! WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS WE WANT, WHATEVER THE TIME, WHEREVER THE PLACE!”
DISMISSED
Yep, taking the coward's way out, I can't decide
Issue 43: Prisoners Demand Elbow Room
The Issue
In a display of unity that can best be described as “highly unnerving,” criminals and law enforcement officials alike are up in arms about recent overcrowding within prisons in Roborian.
The Debate
“I tell ya, chief... this ain’t good,” mutters local police chief Sabina Wu over a morning cup of coffee. “I see these no-good mohawk-wearin’ punks every day, and they’re a dangerous bunch. They gotta be locked in their mudholes forever! If we can’t afford to keep ‘em in prison, I say we need more money! Let’s just casually shift some funding from elsewhere; after all, it ain’t like our welfare program is helping keep these kids away from crime.”
“How can these wayward individuals find their inner selves by staring at the walls within a stone cell?” challenges human rights activist and local prison license plate maker Amanda Eko. “The nation’s budget is absolute proof: we cannot afford prisons... strictly because of their immorality! Let these caged birds breathe the sweet air of freedom again! Shut down all prisons in Roborian!”
“Now hold on just a second here,” says Dick Love, CEO of Roborian’s most widely-known pizza delivery chain, Papa Pallocci’s Pizza Pagoda. “You’ve got a problem with prisoners, and I’ve got a problem finding employees. Why don’t you just send some of your criminals to Papa Pallocci’s? We’ll put ‘em to work at lower pay as punishment for their crimes! I win, you win... the economy wins!”
Neither of first two options are good, and if there actually is a labor shortage, prisoners making money and contributing to the economy is a good thing
Issue 669: Watts up with Rooftop Solar?
The Issue
As residential rooftop solar is increasing in popularity, Roborian Gas and Electric (RG&E) has begun to offer resistance to the current billing structure, complaining that households’ electric bills are so low they can no longer afford to maintain the grid. With rhetoric on all sides becoming increasingly high voltage, RG&E is asking you to approve a change in their fee structure.
The Debate
CEO Joule Ohm of RG&E sweeps the papers off your desk, slams down his proposed fee structure, and then begins to speak, “If we are to maintain the grid while keeping power affordable for the poor, there has to be a change to the system. We need a flat grid fee charged monthly to all households regardless of energy use. With a grid fee, we can reduce the per kilowatt usage fee, so most users will hardly notice the difference.”
“I couldn’t think of a better plan to kill my business!” yells Otohime James, the amped-up CEO of Sol Invictus, Roborian’s biggest rooftop solar installation company. “If the power company charges you a huge fee no matter how much power you use, who will want solar panels? I have a bright solution. If RG&E needs more money, let them raise the per kilowatt usage fees for everyone. But we need electricity meters in every household to track energy usage and whether homes with solar panels are producing surplus power to sell back to the grid. Let’s let the market determine the price of power!”
“I could think of a better way to kill solar.” wheezes Wendy Nelson, the octogenarian CEO of Relaxed Diamond Coal Company. “Ban it! Rooftop solar panels are eyesores, and they’re driving out Roborian’s mom and pop coal companies. No more, I say! We’re blessed with plentiful coal deposits; let’s use them to make cheap, local power. As for those global warming alarmists, why, the weatherman can’t even predict tomorrow’s weather, never mind the weather 50 years from now.”
“This problem needs a solution grasped from the future, not grounded in the industrial revolution!” declares celebrity green-energy venture capitalist Melon Husk. “My company is beginning to develop initial prototypes for large-capacity home-use batteries. However, to make this viable in the near future, we just need a smidgen of government subsidies for research and production. I think the batteries we’ll develop will be affordable and, combined with solar panels, they’ll almost certainly be able to provide households with their energy demands. I’m pretty sure we can make power lines a thing of the past!”
While I'd get anxious about it, I'd prefer to be able to control my cost
Issue 245: Clash of Cultures
The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in Roborian are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country’s rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.
The Debate
“It’s disrespectful,” says Beyonce Hyde, serving traditional Cow-shaped cookies on a tray. “These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I’ve never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don’t even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much.”
“I have a right to lead my life the way I want,” says Freddy Poindexter, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. “I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don’t wish to ‘integrate’ shouldn’t have to.”
“Oh, there’s no need to be like that!” says Lisa Wells, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. “Roborian should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don’t reject it! These folk aren’t hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It’s our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it.”
“We need to stop thinking of ‘them’ as a problem that needs to be fixed,” insists Salvatore Dlamini, an undergraduate in anthropology. “Integration in society is a two-way street, Leader. We can’t shun people for not following a major religion or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That’s just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in Roborian.”
“That’s stupid,” says Aldo Leach, flatly. “I’m not going to ‘bond’ with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they’ll realise that yeah, they’re people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere.”
“Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution,” says Efthamia Santiago, shouting into a megaphone. “How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We’ve all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn’t be allowed! I won’t abide it!”
I like the culture we've got, so let's not muddy it up
Issue 171: Kids and Criminality
The Issue
Recent studies showing that the sources of Roborian’s most common street crimes (vandalism, muggings, joyriding, and witchcraft) are children under the age of criminal responsibility have prompted a national outcry for government action.
The Debate
“These damned hooligans are running wild on our streets!” splutters hard-nosed Sergeant Filipe McDuck of the police force. “My overworked officers can’t cope anymore! Everywhere we look we’re being surrounded by mobs of unruly children! I need you to give me and my officers the power to dish out punishment to these little hoodlums. I don’t care how young these kids are - they need to learn to behave properly as soon as possible. Even if it requires a short jail sentence of ten years or so.”
“The last thing we need is a police force that prosecutes, convicts, AND sentences young kids!” yells outraged Child Welfare Officer Lauren Sparkle. “These youngsters are merely children being playful! Let them learn from their own mistakes! You can’t tell me you weren’t ever naughty when you were that young! Experience is the tree from which learning is a fruit, remember, and besides: the taxes needed to round them all up would be murder.”
“Hah! Yeh’re lookin’ at this the wrong way!” says Rodrigo Bronte, an elderly pensioner, hobbling up to you and poking you in the chest with a walking stick. “When I was wee, and if I was caught breakin’ the law, me dad would’ve beaten seven types of bahoola out of me! If a kid’s gone maladjusted and started nickin’ cars and whatnot, look at the parents and punish them for not bringin’ the tiny scions up right! Yeh can’t blame a kid for the environment they were raised in an’ that’s that!”
From a purely practical standpoint, as annoying as vagabonds are, kids in prison means more criminals later, so no.
The Issue
VioletistsOnly.com, a dating site that helps members of the Order of Violet to meet each other, recently discovered that most of its users were not actually practitioners of Violetism. In response, the site’s owners suspended the accounts of all those who were not members of the Order. Bachelors, bachelorettes and believers from across Roborian have interrupted you while you are at dinner with family, demanding an immediate solution to their dating woes.
Issue 718: Roses are due if Violet's for You
The Debate
“Dating heathens is sacrilege!” bellows Emily Butler, Grand Poobah of the Violetist Order, as she pushes your brother out of the way and lowers her mighty rump into the newly-vacant seat. “The great Violet demands purity! We must be cleansed of impure thought, and remove ourselves from those not of our faith. VioletistsOnly.com is doing a good deed by segregating us from the unbelievers. Unless you would have Her Dread-Yet-Merciful hand wipe Roborian off the map, you must allow us to keep ourselves apart from scum, like you. No offence.”
“This is discrimination!” shouts Joseph Hernandez, batting his eyelashes at the Grand Poobah so hard that the force blows out the candles. “VioletistsOnly.com shouldn’t be allowed to suspend our accounts just because we aren’t of the same religion, even if that religion is part of their name. Make the owners reinstate our accounts, even if they don’t want to! This is not about religion. This is about freedom, my freedom as a single man to date whoever I choose! Plus, those purple robes are kind of cute.”
“Why not have a government-run dating site?” muses Oprah Parke, your second-cousin twice-removed who is also an IT technician, as she scribbles an incomprehensible equation onto her napkin. “You’d run constant advertisements, informing every unmarried citizen of their civic duty to sign up, and fall in love with the person of our...their dreams. With the right algorithm, you’d ensure only the right two people meet, and don’t accidentally see others they’d mistakenly think they prefer in their search results. Picture it: Violetists wed to atheists, Faithologists in marital bliss with devout members of a major religion. A diverse nation in harmony, if only for the sake of their grandkids.”
I just really don't care enough, regardless of benefit to me. In a backwards kinda way, segregating Violets helps me on other sites
Issue 260: Taxpayers on Strike!
The Issue
The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in Roborian’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.
The Debate
“Damn right we’re not!” exclaims Wei Quinn, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
“Roborian can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts Brian Wolowitz, the head of Roborian’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their Tokens, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
“Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said.” says Heidi Dvořák, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”
Seriously, if I can give blood instead of money, I'm all in
Issue 538: Leader, let your people.go!
The Issue
Tragedy struck last Friday when police had to be called to a pop concert when the queue for the women’s washroom devolved first into squabbles, then a violent free-for-all, as desperate female fans fought to get to the front.
The Debate
1. “Women being forced to wait is... is... just another form of sexism,” complains Emily Kardashian, a cross-legged concert-goer, with strained emphasis. “By forcing businesses and old stadiums to accommodate more… more… ah, people in women’s washrooms, we can finally realise a fairer, more equal experience at the wash- SPEED IT UP, GRANS, SOME OF US HAVE GOT TO GO!”
2.“What a load of sh-” starts Tim Reid, a controversial heavy metal singer, before being interrupted by the concert-goer elbowing her way past him with a desperate look on her face. “Look, if they don’t like having to wait for the loo they can always bring their ‘business’ elsewhere. It’s a free market. Nobody is forcing them folks to go there. One washroom for each gender. Fair is fair if fair is fair, am I right?”
3.“One washroom is fine, sweeties, but why all this fuss over artificial categories?” asks Mx. Xavier, looking great in a fetching tuxedo and miniskirt combo. “Just take off the boy and girl signs on the doors, and be gender fluid about where you pass your fluids. Where would you be without me, darling?”
4.“Oh wow, I really feel for these girls!” says Ben, one of the five singers from boy band ‘The Unattended Gents’, whose pop concert was so tumultuous. “It’s our fault, for sure. I’ve written a song all about how sorry we are, and the gentle massage I’m gonna give those girls to make up for it. But hey, I know how we can fix this. Let’s have every visit to the little lady’s room cost 1 Token, then those queues will be a thing of the past. We can all be happy together, forever.”
Not a girl...
Issue 72: Widening Buttocks Causing Movie Theatre Panic
The Issue
Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as Roborian’s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in Roborian.
The Debate
“Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in Roborian, er, no pun intended,” remarks Chloe Laine of the National Health Bureau. “The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week.”
“Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don’t have the time!” snorts nationally renowned TV chef Harambe Rudd. “How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can’t get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive—that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten Tokens on a snack cake.”
“I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business but my own how I kill myself,” says Mary al-Zahawi, a pleasantly plump computer programmer, midway through a chili dog. “My weight is my own business, and if I don’t feel like exercising, that’s my choice. Sure, it’d be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of Roborian, will decide what’s important to us and what we want to eat.”
“What about government-funded liposuction?” asks Stan Freeman, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. “If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!”
I'm in a really funny place here, because I'm torn between jealousy and desire, in terms of who exercises and the effects. The imposition is hardly onerous, but still, maybe not the best thing. Significantly more men exercise than women...
I guess national pride comes in at the end to just barely let me go for it.
Issue 62: Oh, the Angst!
The Issue
In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.
The Debate
“Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn’t just ‘all in your head’,” says Max King, depression sufferer. “Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!”
“Screw them,” Sofia Robinson, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. “Depression isn’t a disease, it’s just another example of today’s youth finding something to complain about. Life’s never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth BMW. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it’ll be good for the gene pool. Natural selection, my friends. It’s a great thing.”
“Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs,” comments Dr. Avery Zoidberg, author of the book “Tomato Soup for the Soul”. “That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can’t or won’t take them to see a psychiatrist.”
I really don't know if I'm allowed to age back, but maybe that option does help
Issue 95: Painful Prices Paid at the Pump
The Issue
Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.
The Debate
“Who cares about a few trees?” says oil executive Agnieszka Montgomery. “Gas prices are six Tokens per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!”
“There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests,” says environmental activist Declan Suzuki. “We shouldn’t just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren’t so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand.”
I like my parks, and don't drive enough to toss that
Issue 699: Pipe Down Already!
The Issue
Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.
The Debate
“The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts Oprah Duterte, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-Cow water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”
“What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs Moana Lobachevsky, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a Token until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, Leader, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes...you name it.”
“Replacing pipes would be so expensive, Leader. Fortunately, I have an excellent economic opportunity for both of us,” asserts Tyrion Sestero, CEO of Basani Water, looking over his steepled fingers with a contorted grin. “People need water. We have water to sell. Simply allow us to add a small desperation levy, say double the price, and we can help the people of our nation while growing our economy at the same time. Sure, the cattle-class might not be able to afford it, but think of the economic incentives!” He sips his company’s water from a champagne flute.
“Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist Billy Barrow giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving him. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”
I don't want lead in my water
Issue 144: Democracy Going to the Dogs?
The Issue
After a recent election installed a small dog as a member of parliament, the fringe group “Brains for Ballots” has demanded for the government to tighten voting restrictions.
The Debate
“The ignorant have taken over Roborian,” yells Julia Fforde, from atop a soap box podium. “It is time that the intelligent retake the polls! Mr. ‘Scruffy’ is a disgrace to democracy and should be taken out of office instantly! I propose we issue mandatory I.Q. tests for every voting citizen and if they are found to have below average reasoning ability - namely lacking the foresight to see that electing an inanimate object to office will cause disaster - then they shall be excused from the responsibility of voting.”
“Umm... huh?” inquires village idiot, Newt Martinez. “I voted? When? Oh, yeah. Please don’t make me not vote. The ballots are really tasty, and where else would I get my fibre? Everyone should have the right to vote, no matter what their favourite greenhouse is! Then we can all get the government to do what we want! First thing I think we should do is, uh, ban fruit? I hate fruit.”
I wouldn't have any trouble with it-and we might be a little better off with a little better-thinking voting base
Issue 493: Suspiciously Superhuman Athletes
The Issue
Vance Armstorm, a seven time Tour de Roborian winner, has been accused of taking drugs that enhance overall performance in sports, and has subsequently been stripped of all his titles. Pundits now say the problem has spread into other sports like Cowball, and the Right to Life Olympics.
The Debate
“They might as well put on capes and masks to go with that spandex!” exclaims sports commissioner Bill Sims, while reviewing a video of a recent Olympic try-out. “I’ve seen weightlifters lift 200 kgs for five minutes straight, and marathon runners not even looking tired in the 40th kilometer! We need tighter doping laws in all sports and better drug testing equipment. For the sake of fairness in all sports in Roborian, we need to test every athlete we can find!”
“Come on, I didn’t do anything wrong,” asserts Vance Armstorm, while sipping a suspiciously glowing energy drink. “These allegations are nothing but a ploy by my competitors to discredit my hard work and natural superiority. I’ve trained all my life to be in this competition! Drug tests are an insulting invasion of my privacy. They should be outlawed! I say I’m clean. The team doctor says I’m clean. Shouldn’t our word be enough?”
“I don’t really understand what issue is,” muses Carter Bergman, a burly Smalltopian diplomat, from a couch in the executive lounge. “I watch sports to see best compete against best. Who cares if they take drug or drinking chemical to be stronger and faster? Give all athlete drug!” As he speaks, he is rapidly switching between three different sporting events on TV. “Stronger, faster, BETTER, if you ask me!”
“Stronger, faster... broken,” comments former world heavyweight boxing champion Lee Gutierrez, speaking unusually slowly. “We... break ourselves; we break each other. Taking drugs... just makes it worse. Anything to win. Anything. The problem isn’t... isn’t... drugs. The problem is sports. If you value athletes as people... as human... beings... you need to ban organized sports.”
No drugs
Issue 525: Nowhere to Go
The Issue
A number of citizens concerned about the lack of water closets in Roborian have kicked up such a stink that you’ve agreed to meet the various groups at your convenience.
The Debate
“I can’t hold it in any longer!” bursts out Dennis Reagan, red-faced and desperate. “The need for more free public conveniences in Roborian is painfully obvious. We demand the government roll out a program of construction lest the lack of them causes a stain on our good nation.”
“Yes there is a need for more public facilities, but that is such a bog standard solution and would generate so much paperwork,” says Luigi Loo, head of Roborian’s largest plumbing contractor, Go With The Flow. “Take the plunge with us and we’ll give Roborian the fanciest conveniences in Right to Life. I admit this might require customers to spend a penny or two, but they’ll feel flushed with success when they see what they get in return.”
“I have another solution!” cries Kate Wright, spokesbeing of eccentric primitivist group Nature’s Call as they take a stool by your desk. “I suggest you wash your hands of the matter by closing what facilities there are, and allow citizens to get back to basics by making it legal for any of us to use the nearest bush.” A twig that you hadn’t previously noticed falls from their hair.
I suppose greater construction of such is moderately useful
Issue 639: No Country for Old Men
The Issue
After several incidents which resulted in the loss of millions of Tokens have been discovered to be caused by senility and feebleness, concerned financial and medical professionals are wondering if retirement should be made mandatory at a certain age.
The Debate
“It’s not really such a bad idea,” suggests Daenerys Elgar, your middle-aged medical adviser while checking your pulse to see if you’re still alive. “You see, when some people reach a certain age, they become too weak and mentally incompetent to do their job. Therefore, we need to impose mandatory retirement so our nation wouldn’t have to put up with things like that senile 95-year-old rickshaw driver who caused that day-long traffic jam on the highway. Of course, we mustn’t be cruel: we should also provide better pensions for them so they’ll be content in their dotage.”
“Our age has nothing to do with the... uh... what was it... the wild Cow hybrids rampaging through Roborian City!” states bumbling security guard Howard Lovegood, who didn’t hear the stampede of hybrids escaping the lab due to a malfunctioning hearing aid. “So you people think that just because we’re old, we can’t do our jobs? Well guess what? I’ve seen younger people who are more lazy, inefficient, and more... something than a sloth! Retirement and firing should be based on capabilities, not age!”
“Why bother with retirement anyway?” asks Finn Shongwe, a rather young basket weaving CEO whose employees consist mostly of his ageing relatives. “I mean, the only reason it exists is just so old people can laze around doing nothing, right? So why don’t we remove it altogether and make it so that people have to work no matter how old they are? Sure, incidents like that doctor who left his false teeth inside a patient might be more common than before; but that’s the price you have to pay for the sake of productivity.”
No way I want to get kicked out of my job when I still want to work-or forced into one when I don't.
Issue 44: No Pain, No Gain?
he Issue
Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Roborian, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.
The Debate
“Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything,” says General Apu Shakespeare of Roborian’s special forces division. “After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum.”
“Are you kidding?” states political activist Esma Bautista. “Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?”
“There’s nothing wrong with torture, but we can’t make it too obvious,” says Secretary of Defense Julius Graves. “How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don’t tell us, we kill them? That’s better just from the intimidation.”
First, torture doesn't work. Second, there is no way I ever want even that possibility if the worst should come to pass
Issue 542: What a Waste
The Issue
Nuclear energy, the source of much of your growing nation’s electricity, has been generating radioactive waste as a by-product. As the shadows cast by the mounting piles of warning-emblazoned concrete casks grow ever longer, a concerned populace is looking to you for a more permanent solution.
The Debate
“There’s a boring and sensible approach,” suggests corduroy-clad grey-haired engineer Lars Juran, rolling out a blueprint in front of you and ignoring the yawns of those attending the presentation. “Deep geologic disposal. My team has determined several sites for the construction of an extremely deep shaft underground to dispose of the nuclear waste. It’s relatively inexpensive, we can mostly guarantee that the waste will never reach the surface, and it will be far safer than our current storage system. Exciting stuff, eh?”
“Let me tell you a story,” says Stanley Leigh, the local representative of protest group Citizens Rejecting Atomic Power. “One day, some bad companies mix up this toxic cocktail that can poison people for thousands or millions of years. Then, they bury it, and think nothing more of it. Then, some kid in ten thousand years winds up a one-eyed mutant cyclops, and has no clue why. Turn off the reactors, buddy, and find a better way. Sure it’s hard, but people like us have to make hard decisions.”
“Once again, Science has the answer!” proclaims physics professor Holly Rasputin, striking her best heroic pose and pointing symbolically to the distant horizon. “Vitrification! Ion exchange! Synroc! We can separate out the components of the waste, burn off the long-lived stuff in fast reactors, reallocate the plutonium to weapons manufacture, and leave only short-lived waste that lasts merely hundreds of years. This will mean that we will not run out of fuel, and the environment will be spared from contamination. Increased industrial expenses? Yes. Necessary security costs and extensive safety regulations? Yes, sure, whatever. But, awesome Super Science? Triple yes, yes, yes!”
“I feel ashamed to be offering you an even better and easier solution, one that won’t cost you a thing and might even make you a little money,” simpers Snidely Industries CEO Cornelius Davidson Snidely while twirling his handlebar moustache. “Why, this waste could be sold to some very special international clients who would be very discreet about where they bought it from. I just recently sold them a batch of suitcases and plenty of dynamite: your waste products are the last missing ingredient they need. Dirty money from dirty bombs? No... clean profit margins from a clean sale!”
Deep storage is safe enough, and cheaper, and if something happens in 10,000 years, I won't be here
Issue 697: Conventional Wisdom
The Issue
While planning the party convention for your re-election campaign your advisers have come to disagree on what the overall feeling of the event should be. They have turned to their natural means of making a final decision: bothering you about it.
The Debate
“One word: fireworks,” states Venus Jordan, chairwoman of your political party, holding a wickedly thorned rose to the light. “Banal political speeches and rhetorical niceties just aren’t doing anything; the people have grown tired of it all. Come to think of it, I’m sick of it myself, and that’s really saying something. We really ought to put on an honest to goodness show here. Lasers! Music! Celebrity appearances! That should really push us up in the polls—and more importantly, your opponents down.” She bends the rose until the stem snaps.
“By all means, do that,” sarcastically quips your Minister of Finance, Charlotte Ramirez. “You can give people all the bread and circuses you want, but when it comes time to follow through, no amount of flash will solve the real deficit: the deficit of trust. Give them the unvarnished truth, and spare them the unnecessary pomp and circumstance. I propose you read off a list of factual bullet points provided by my, and other, departments. For example, did you know that in the last year, no fewer than 39,280 deaths have been attributed to that marshmallow bill you approved a while back? Fascinating!”
“WHAT?!” bellows your Secretary of Defense, Han Wonka. “Millions of good, decent Roborianians are fearful. They face the perils of globalism and an uncertain world order. Now’s our chance to show Roborian what a REAL leader does in a time of crisis. Ride into the convention atop a tank, at the spearhead of a full armored vehicle convoy. Mount a three-story tall podium draped in a giant Roborianian flag, and promise our people the world!” He pauses for a moment as a vaulting grin creeps up his face. “Literally!”
More data is good data
Issue 119: Watershed Down
The Issue
An anonymous society of ‘cinematic aficionados’ have brought the debate over the proposed disposal of the watershed, the hour after which adult material is allowed to be shown on television, to your attention.
The Debate
“We don’t need a watershed!” scoffs ‘romantic-movie’ buff, Beth Márquez. “I don’t see why I should wait ‘til way past midnight to watch my preferred film genre. It’s high time that parents stopped treating their children like... well, children! If you sugar-coat these kids’ lives, they’ll just end up seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses - and we can’t have a country filled with spoilt brats now, can we?”
“This is an endorsement of bad taste if ever I saw it,” says Francisco Silk, a child-care worker. “It’s just wrong to subject children to graphic violence and nudity on afternoon television like this: who knows what it might possess them to do? We’ve all heard stories of kids who have seen some film where someone jumped off a cliff and then gone off to have a shot themselves. We must ban all violent and salacious material from our TV screens. If only to protect the innocence of our progeny!”
DISMISSED
Salacious yes, violent no
Issue 501: Munchkins in Makeup
The Issue
After the surprisingly popular Little Miss Roborian Pageant was revealed to contain a pole dancing competition, concerned parents have been protesting the very existence of child beauty pageants. After weeks of moral outrage and increasingly annoying megaphone chants, you finally agreed to call a megaphone-free meeting regarding this latest controversial issue.
The Debate
“Have you ever sat down and watched these travesties?” screeches perpetually offended activist Lisbeth Obama while thrusting tabloid magazines featuring child models in your face. “They’re absolutely disgusting and must be banned. They parade these poor girls around in makeup and skimpy dresses like hussies! These pageants teach them that they’re nothing more than helpless sex objects for the pleasure of male viewers! They’re overly sexualized, immoral, and are just plain stupid as an entertainment form.”
“What a load of baloney,” scoffs former child model and pageant aficionado Catherine Gratwick, as she poses for your personal photographer. “These competitions are more than just bathing suits and giant hairdos. They teach girls important life skills, like discipline, talent development, and bribing officials. I loved being in beauty pageants as a child and I turned out just fine! The government should quit trying to force its morals on children. That’s what parents are for.”
“Who watches this stuff anyway?” groans local violence junkie, Charles Vajiralongkorn, while leaning back in your chair and kicking his feet up on your desk. “Why don’t we get rid of these boring kiddie pageants and replace them with something more exciting? Three words: child fight clubs. We can hold bare knuckle, rules-free battles between the little brats and televise the ensuing mayhem. It will teach them physical fitness, good sportsmanship, and uh...look, it’ll just be really sweet, okay?”
I don't care for them, and avoiding sexualization is a good thing
Issue 713: Life in the Bike Lane
The Issue
Tragedy struck Roborian City when a cyclist was killed by a transport truck, making this the thirteenth such incident in the past few weeks. This has propelled activists to peddle the idea of creating additional bike lanes in Roborian’s cities.
The Debate
“What do we want? Bike lanes! When do we want them? Now!” chants cyclist Abraham McCloud, five-time winner of the Tour de Roborian competition. “Many of us in the big cities rely on our bikes to go about our daily business. If anything, more cyclists on the streets will mean fewer cars, and that means less congestion. Less congestion means less pollution, and that makes everyone healthier in the long run. It may be more inconvenient for the motorists, but if they don’t like it, they can go honk themselves.”
“Haven’t these road hogs heard of a sidewalk?” wheezes decidedly unhealthy city councilor Dixie Sosa, whose son was behind the wheel of the truck. “Bike lanes are like swimming with the sharks - sooner or later you’re going to get bitten. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. Bike lanes are dangerous and expensive to maintain. We ought to stop them and paint over existing ones before more people are killed and we end up like Dàguó.”
“I agree with the councilor with the... obvious health issues,” chimes in an auto industry lobbyist while playing with your nephew’s toy cars. “People are sick of these damn cyclists who think they own the roads. It’s their own fault that they end up hurt or killed. What if people had to pass a test before being allowed to ride a bike, like we do with cars? This will mean there are fewer idiot cyclists who think they’re invincible. That, my friend, is what will make our cities safer.”
“What if bikes were the only way people went about their commute?” suggests the leader of the Viva la Pedalution! advocacy group. “Let’s face it, these incidents are going to keep on happening because of these selfish and incompetent motorists. Riding a bike is much healthier and far less dangerous. The government needs to declare Roborian a ‘car-free zone’ and completely redesign urban planning to accommodate cyclists. Short-term complications, yes, but long-term gains!”
It may give me troubles with congestion later, but biking is something that's nice if encouraged, as is less cars
Issue 720: Cui Bono?
The Issue
Conservative media news source Brightheart’s recent exposé claiming that 25% of domestic terrorist funding comes from welfare fraud has sparked an earnest debate across Roborian on welfare reform.
The Debate
“It was bad enough that criminals and lazy bums were scrounging from the state, but now the government is directly subsidising terrorism!” yells Brightheart News reporter Rory Lovegood, pursuing you down the street and trampling over a homeless man’s sleeping bag to keep up. “You have to end the free ride! Cut welfare completely, and make our nation safe!”
[
“Hold your horses there buddy, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” says single parent Agatha Shongwe, ignoring the three mewling moppets trying to get her attention. “Roborian just needs its welfare system to be fully managed, monitored, and policed. Give folks on welfare charge cards whose transactions records are sent to a searchable police database. Then anyone making a purchase that’s the least bit suspicious should be brought in for interrogation.”
“Sounds like a lot of expensive admin work to me,” complains Welfare Director Daniel Bennett. “Wouldn’t you rather have a solution that reduces government spending but still helps those who deserve it? Here’s the thing, nobody wants to say it, but we all know that 99% of terrorists are from a handful of religions and nations. Just say that people from those groups don’t get welfare, and you can both save money and prevent terrorism!”
“I say unto you that the answer is more welfare, not less!” offers unemployed youth Judi Violetsglory, pushing a shopping trolley of ammonium nitrate and diesel oil to the checkout till. “If you increase welfare, then maybe the resentful disenfranchised minorities will feel more supported by society, and become less prone to radicalisation. What have you got to lose?”
Debated, but cash still an option, might not be on welfare, reduce fraud and tax burden
Issue 91: Sacramental Tax Time?
The Issue
Secularists have been urging the government to impose an income tax on religious organizations in Roborian for some time now, and the issue has finally made its way to the upper levels of the government.
The Debate
Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson Aaron Palpatine declares, “Churches are business organizations with a large income. It’s unfair that they don’t have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There’s no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in limos tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works.”
“Freedom of conscience is foremost among liberties,” says Reverend Darya Vega. “Churches have been exempted from taxation because it is wrong for the government to infringe on the right of people to worship as they please, and that includes charging them for the right to worship. Besides, churches are non-profit organizations that put all their funds back into the community.”
The Honorable Ivan Coulson, Minister of Minding Other People’s Business, has an idea: “This religion thing is such a great racket, why don’t we make it a government monopoly? We’ll ban all religions except the Church of Roborian, and make attendance and donations compulsory. I’ll start writing the Holy Scriptures right away!”
A faithful populace is well worth the cost
Issue 695: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Paying Taxes
The Issue
A junior filing clerk at the Ministry of Commerce and Revenues has just reported a highly unusual request: the Addison Cola Corporation has filed paperwork in an attempt to switch its legal status to “religion,” a tax-exempt category.
The Debate
“Of course business can be a religion,” claims Addison CEO Commodus de Castro, who was brought to your office to provide an explanation. “Many of our customers share a deeply-held belief that our product brings them enlightenment and inner peace, unlike the foul devil drink produced by those sinners over at Eckie-Ecola. Addison Cola also provides salvation from artificial sweeteners, with a blessedly refreshing taste! The government really shouldn’t be regulating these beliefs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get my best people to start writing some prayers.” He then takes out his phone and presses option 6 on the speed dial menu.
“This is just a mockery of everything that good and decent people stand for,” harrumphs High Priest Moff Laine, who was called in to provide a counterpoint. “Real religions have ancient scriptures, sacred music, and a code of morality to tell people how to behave. I hardly think advertising jingles qualify! This is nothing more than a blatant ploy by Addison to get tax-exempt status. The only way to return our great nation to a more righteous path is to deny their blasphemous request and allocate some government funds to prop up legitimate religions.”
“I knew that weird pizza cult was just the start of something far worse,” says Stephanie Rudd, your trusted Chief of Staff. “If we allow this, every corporation will want to become a religion! You know this is going to kill our tax revenue.” She sighs audibly. “The only fair solution is to outlaw all new religions, with harsh penalties for any of the rabble-rousers who try to break the law. I hear crucifixions are quite the effective deterrent.”
When it comes down to it, there's only one religion that really ends up mattering most
Issue 212: Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries
The Issue
After delayed DNA evidence put a notorious rapist behind bars the police have demanded that it be mandatory for those accused of a crime to surrender blood and tissue samples to aid the elimination process.
The Debate
“I’m surprised this hasn’t been brought up sooner,” says Chief Constable Rajesh Tavener. “If we have DNA samples of all the accused it will make solving crimes like rape and murder that much faster! Sure, some people will think it’s a tad invasive, but in my experience if you’re worried by something like giving up a few drops of the red stuff then you’ve probably got something to hide.”
“This is a breach of privacy in every meaning of the word!” criminal defence attorney Weena Chau exclaims. “Or three words, but this is an outrage! It’s these peoples’ bodies, not the government’s nor the police’s. If they want to give a DNA sample it should be THEIR decision! Now I’ll admit there have been times when DNA sampling has helped solve a case or two but shouldn’t we be upholding the inherent right of every man and woman to have their body remain unmolested unless they should so choose it? Undoubtedly! DNA sampling should only take place with the person’s informed consent.”
“What about the victims of these crimes?” asks DI Cindy Iglesias, ever gruff and stalwart in the face of adversity. “Do they not have rights? Their right to privacy’s been violated so it ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to give up his own. What I propose is the collection of DNA samples from every citizen in Roborian so we can track down the culprit if none of our suspects come up with anything. It’ll be expensive, sure, there’s 673 million people to go through... but it’s just a small blood sample. Don’t you think it’s worth it?”
No way am I giving up my DNA to a database
Issue 444: Virtually Assured Destruction
The Issue
Last week a mothballed Roborianian nuclear missile exploded deep underground, triggering a catastrophic earthquake in rural Roborian. The little evidence that could be recovered from the debris indicates that the explosion was caused by neglected maintenance of outdated warheads, spurring debate over the state of the nation’s nuclear arsenal.
The Debate
“We clearly need a total overhaul,” states Colonel Miranda Taffs of the Roborianian Nuclear Deterrence Program, quite calmly despite the clamor outside of your office. “It will be costly, but once we have a new generation of warheads ready, we’ll be perfectly safe from another incident like this happening, at least during my own tenure. We will, of course, need to dispose of the old missiles to make room for their replacements, but I’m sure the nuclear industry would jump at an ongoing contract to recycle the plutonium for us. It’s certainly cheaper than mining more ore out of the ground.”
“We definitely need to update our warheads,” hastily concurs Tyrion Case, your trade ambassador, recently returned from troubled Tasmania. “I propose we sell the old missiles to build strategic alliances. Then we get some money and ditch responsibility for the missiles, and we save an ally a lot of R&D. It’s probably safe! Worst case scenario: the old missiles fall into the wrong hands while in transit to other countries, but if we just convoy them up with some regular munitions, the teamsters will be able to fight off any attempted hijacking.”
“Really?” objects Larry Huffington of the Roborianian Security Agency, startling you as he appears seemingly out of nowhere. “You actually think it was just a malfunction? Why do you think there was so little evidence left? That warhead was clearly detonated intentionally; I don’t know if it was terrorists or spies from one of our rivals, but someone did this, and they did it for a reason. Our primary concern should be with securing our missile bases against sabotage. People may still be scared of nuclear malfunction, but hey - if nobody wants to live near our nukes, that only strengthens national security.”
“You’re all ignoring the real problem!” shouts a protester as she bursts through the door to your office. “The nukes were a bad idea from the get-go! Sooner or later we’re going to annihilate ourselves with another accident. What’s the point of even having a deterrent if we’re just going to blow ourselves up? For the sake of humanity, the environment, and the national budget, it’s time to disarm ALL nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons.”
Proliferation is bad, recycling is not[/hr]
Issue 029: Minorities Demand Representation in TV Soaps
The Issue
Roborian’s TV soaps—famous around the region—have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.
The Debate
“Every night my family and I sit down to watch ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’,” says Desmond Columbus. “But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens.”
“Those Lilliputians don’t know how good they have it,” says Kate Kennedy, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. “Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That’ll work better, and be cheaper, too.”
“The government should do what now?” says TV studio executive Nikita Rhodes. “You’ve got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn’t the government got anything better to do? Why don’t they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?”
Avoiding racism is a nice thing, but I don't see a way where prizes for positive portrayals doesn't end badly
Issue 309: Over, Under, or Through?
The Issue
After recent economic growth, ferry links with the Roborian Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.
The Debate
“A government’s first duty is to its people,” says Bianca Summers, head of the Roborian Highways Agency. “The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but that’s the price of progress.”
“Some environmental impact?” questions Gabriel Capulet, your Minister of the Environment. “More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it’ll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it.”
“More government involvement isn’t what we need,” says Lisbeth Holst, the CEO of Ferry Nice. “We’re in this mess because the government can’t keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take.”
“Halt this at once!” yells Samuel Pelosi, a pitchfork-wielding island resident. “What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don’t! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them.”
I'd prefer ferries to bridges, and the cost of the tunnel, so, yeah
Issue 415: Brain Pain on the Sports Plain
The Issue
Cowball - a sport that is extremely popular in Roborian but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in Roborianian schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.
The Debate
“You have to stop this madness!” yells Engelbert Snape, the mother of an eighthback for Roborian City High School. “My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children’s fragile brains are more important!”
“Come on, Leader. You’re not actually thinking about this, are you?” says Kristen Bourdain, PR rep from the Roborian City Wyverns, a professional Cowball team. “I know it’s tough, but without Cowball in the schools, who will be the great pro athletes of the future? Need I mention that Cowball is a storied part of Roborianian culture dating back generations? You wouldn’t want to mess that up, would you?”
“It’s not just Cowball,” mentions Rex Hansen, a techie joining the conversation via Trype. “Think about legball. Concussions happen there all the time. It’s just not in the news anywhere as often. And then there’s hoopball. They wipe each other out all of the time. Us video gamers have fun without ever knocking our skulls together. I propose we ban all physical sports. It’s only the safest op-” he says before the screen turns off with a security guard twirling the plug.
Sports are enjoyable, and voluntary
Issue 625: Delivering the Goods
The Issue
Success! After months of hard work, the police have busted a contraband-smuggling operation of incredible size, with several warehouses of a variety of illegal goods broken open and the ringleaders arrested. As all are cheering the police for their fine work, the question of what you should actually do with all this contraband is being raised.
The Debate
“This is something of a haul, but these aren’t trade goods anymore: they’re evidence!” says Judiciary Director Mia Watterson. “The goods should be stored as such till the legal processes are complete, then they should be carefully destroyed with a clear accounting trail to ensure ethical practice.”
“So, I make it almost a billion Tokens in goods here,” ponders your Treasury Minister, staring at an unethically-sourced blood diamond. “How about we sell this stuff, as official plunder? The revenue boost would be great for this year’s budget deficit. Tax cuts are good, right? This is our stuff now, after all.”
“You know, I can’t help but think that a lot of this contraband wouldn’t be illegal in a more liberal country,” observes one of the smugglers, from the chair your men have tied him to. “You ever considered changing your laws to allow some free trade and personal freedom, maybe? Like, if you could personally free me, that’d be great.”
The low-tax rate isn't enough to catch me with the abuse that would subsidize. I don't know what the goods are, but, in general, things being free to trade is good
Issue 768: Trouble Brewing
The Issue
This morning’s strategy meeting was brought to a grinding halt when you and your cabinet were subjected to the worst pot of tea you have ever had the misfortune of suffering. The leaves weren’t properly brewed, the milk was skimmed AND powdered, the water was lukewarm, and the sugar bowl was full of salt...
The Debate
“Oh gosh Leader, I’m so sorry I don’t know how to make your boiled leaf water,” spits Yasmin, the ever-sarcastic secretary responsible for the offending brew. “I was busy learning trivialities like typing, minute-taking, IT skills, and calendar organising. How about you all drink Eckie-cola from now on, instead? In fact, you should get rid of tea from the whole of Roborian: it’s a drink for old farts and fuddy-duddies anyway.”
“Look, I’m the Secretary of State, the damn Secretary of State, I say, and even I know how to make tea properly,” complains your elderly Secretary of State, pointing to the desk nameplate that says Secretary of State. “The problem with young people today, well, besides being constantly glued to their Pear Phones, is that they don’t know how to slow down and take their time. We should make tea-making and kitchen skills a part of the national curriculum, and encourage all those teenagers and twenty-somethings to stop rushing around, and to appreciate a proper tea service.”
“Pfft, slow-mo food and drink is so last century,” mocks Cortana Delauter, your Chief of Science, while digging into her microwave burrito. “What you need is instant tea, in a can, with some sort of heating widget that triggers with the ring pull, and plenty of preservatives to make it last. Once again, science has the answer! So, shall I assign some government grants for food technology research, or what?”
“Oolongs for better tea?” giggles Homer Larkin, your pun-loving Minister of Agriculture, and your Cabinet brace themselves for an onslaught of tea-related puns. “Can we Matcha solution to the problem? Can we Rize to the occasion? Did you read that report I Sencha? Did I get things down to a tea, my Darjeelings?” In the face of blank faces and silence, he changes tack. “Uh... anyway, coffee. Coffee is easier to make and nicer. Subsidise coffee growers.”
DISMISSED
None of these are good drinks
Issue 685: Externalities Palmed Off
The Issue
A sunny neighbouring nation with a developing economy has been burn-clearing large swathes of rainforest to gain land for palm tree plantations. Weather conditions have carried the thick pall of smoke from the burning across a narrow sea strait, and into Roborian.
The Debate
“The smog is affecting the young, the elderly, and the sick,” notes your Minister of Civic Welfare, as she holds a rose-scented handkerchief over her nose and mouth. “We have to send a strongly-worded letter to their government to request that they do something to stop the parties responsible, if they’d be so kind. I’m sure that with their own citizens being affected, and with us pointing out the ecological damage they’re doing, they’ll take everything into consideration and choose to be reasonable.”
“They aren’t going to respond to that! They don’t care if their own citizens drop dead in the fields, they’re cynical profiteers who only care about the bottom line!” fumes Tom Riker, the Minister of Trade and Industry. “Let’s embargo all their palm oil products and encourage all our allies and major trade partners to do the same. That’ll teach them!”
“Teach them what? That we care about abstract concepts like ‘diplomacy’ and ‘dialogue’?” rebukes Bill Young, a hawkish Air Force Commander, pounding his fist into his open hand for emphasis. “It’s clear that they won’t fold easily when there’s so much profit at stake, but if we bomb the government, whoever is still left will accede to any of our demands.”
“And what will that achieve? Decades in a never-ending war, that’s what!” mocks Gillian Fellow, a slightly deranged scientist, who is staring intently at a snowglobe. “Instead, let’s build a protective acrylic-glass dome over every city, and connect them via enclosed tubes. We won’t have to care about the haze, difficult neighbours, or even climate change ever again!”
Only the first two options are reasonable, and the second is an economic annoyance. Palm oil isn't really something I use, though, but might step in on my food and soap. The risk of a counter-embargo is too great, however
Issue 626: Carbon Copied
The Issue
Leading company in genetic modification and bio-mapping, Interstice Laboratories, claim to be on the verge of a major breakthrough in understanding human consciousness. They report that within a few decades they’ll be able to upload a copy of a human mind-state onto a computer databank.
The Debate
“I wonder if you understand the implications of this technology,” whispers the company’s CEO, Bill ‘Mind-Wizard’ Gibson, squeezing a lemon-shaped stress ball. “Virtual immortality. Sleeving. Backed-up mind-states. All we need is TONS of fundi- I mean, minimal funding. Oh and a license to cut up the brains of vict... uh... volunteers. We’ll not see results for some time, for sure, but the sooner you invest, the sooner we can usher in Reality 2.0.”
“This. Is. ABOMINABLE! EXECRABLE! DETESTABLE!” yells the Minister of the Church of Weird Gaits, as he marches, then tromps, then slithers into your office and rises before you, his face turning the same color as an old peach pit on your desk. “This is a total abandonment of the world that the Great Lumberer created for us! How will we show our gratitude for the greatest gift bestowed on us, our legs, if we can’t use them! Tens of citizens in Roborian will be either transferred to a line of 1’s and 0’s and banished from The Lumberer’s Sidewalks, or left behind to die in the ruins of civilization. Shut down this venture! Make it no more, ceased to be, expired, bereft of profit, history!”
“You don’t need to be a Luddite or a religious fanatic to object to transhumanism,” mutters ethicist Sera O’Connor, glancing nervously at the wall clock. “Developing these technologies increases the odds of human self-extinction. We need to be sure that any intelligence that ushers in the next century is wholly human, grounded in human biology and human morality. There is no fate but what we make. What future do you want to create?”
I have no desire to play around with artificial intelligence
Issue 183: Buy a Better Baby?
The Issue
A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’.
The Debate
“Embryo selection isn’t really genetic engineering in the technical sense,” explains Dr. Harriet Burton, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. “It’s more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can’t really see what’s wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity.”
“Thou shalt pay for thy sins!” screams Luigi Henderson, waving a crucifix. “This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it’s God’s will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!”
“This technology shows promise,” muses Sandra Park, Minister of Health. “But we can’t trust the private sector with the future of our nation’s children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions.”
“This has got me thinkin’,” says General Ami Venkman, thumbing through a big folder marked ‘X’. “If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn’t it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!”
Abortion=bad
Issue 021: Police Consider "Big Brother" Anti-Crime System
The Issue
The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.
The Debate
“This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!” says libertarian web site operator Commodus van de Berg. “Now I can’t even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they’re peering through your bedroom window.”
“Hey, I’ve got news for you,” says Police media liaison Jennifer Columbus. “When you’re out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can’t see what the fuss is about.”
“This ‘slippery slope’ argument has got me thinking,” says Police Minister Montgomery Kelly. “You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That’s clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks.”
I have zero desire to have government cameras watching and recording me
Issue 056: "Give us money!" Quoth the Poet
The Issue
The National Poetry Society of Roborian is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.
The Debate
“We need government help to promote culture,” says Bella Popov, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of Roborian. “Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!”
“Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else,” replies Francisco Whitlam, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. “The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups.”
“Poets—who needs them?!” scoffs Leela Doolittle, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. “These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!”
I don't really care about poetry too much, but the wallet is a little more important. You can get money from other places than the government
