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Dispatch → Factbook → Legislation
by 
The Federation of Roborian.
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17 reads.
Issues Addressed IV
Issue 251: The Trouble with HobosThe Issue
After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of Roborian have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.
The Debate
“To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
“You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries Miles Gruber, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Force our major businesses to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
“And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps Stanislawa Nahasapeemapetilon, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
“As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says Barbara Thawne, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”
A safety net of this type would be an excellent worry-allayer for me
Issue 630: This Green and Pleasant Land
The Issue
Good news, everyone! An unexpected rise in the water table has transformed a million acres of former desert into green and fertile and farming-ready land. As the government owns this land, it’s now up to you what you do with it.
The Debate
“Efficiency. Productivity. Produce. Those are the three F’s of New Plus Agro Cycles™,” says CEO Warwick Wang, “and if you wonder if you failed to spot the third F, it’s all about the customer! Yes, sell us this land and we will turn it into a model of efficiency! No government investment, no taxpayer’s money wasted, just cultivation as far as the eye can see! New jobs will be created, and investors will be attracted. Just sign here!”
“Why would you consider that?” yells villager Boris Dahl, waving a pitchfork with one hand and a little red book with the other. “You want to just GIVE IT AWAY to these rich fat cats, so they can get even richer? No! This land should be owned by the state, but worked by a commune of local farmers, with a small plot of land for each farmer! This way is fair for everyone.”
“No, no, no! It’s like a traffic light, if you want to be green you’ve got to put up a red light and make a green space, because you don’t want to be in the red on being green!” explains Chun-Li Kringle, her metaphors as messed up as her flower-entangled hair. “We need to turn this into a nature resort, that flora and fauna can make their home!”
“Excuse me, is anyone going to ask why this has happened?” asks party-pooping scientist Luigi Romero. “We can’t make use of this land till we understand what happened. I suggest establishing a research station here, and getting a better understanding of the ecological changes that led to this fertile land emerging.”
A million acres actually is pretty massive, especially in a potentially smaller country. Now I'm definitely conflicted over the thing, because I like nature reserves-but it seems like it's just plain grass, and likely expensive. Cheaper food'll probably be worth it.
Issue 237: Tourists on Death Row
The Issue
A group of holidaymakers from Roborian have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.
The Debate
“Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!” says Ayla Berlusconi, parent to one of the arrestees. “They’ve not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I’m begging you! I’m sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?”
“You’ve got to see it from the other side,” argues Evan Gutierrez, a customs official. “While it’s unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn’t have been smuggling drugs. I’m sure we wouldn’t be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can’t sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers’ expense I might add. Let them be - it’ll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries.”
“I agree,” chimes in Ksenya Negan, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads ‘Don’t Be a Fool, Drugs Aren’t Cool’. “Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!”
“You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame,” says Rick Tin, an ambassador at Roborian’s embassy in Maxtopia. “My motto has always been ‘If you want something, give something away’. It is the government’s duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don’t want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we’ve got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we’ll scratch theirs later.”
“That’s what they want! Leverage!” hollers Yui Chicago, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. “Advances in our markets, political favours - they’ll do anything to undermine us! They’ve always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn’t about drugs - it’s a spit in our eye, that’s what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they’ll know how a proper country behaves!"
I'd certainly want someone at my back in such a case (though drugs wouldn't be it), but don't want to see trade sanctions simply because of tourists. Thus, diplomacy.
Issue 264: Not a Drop to Drink
The Issue
Roborian has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result, thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.
The Debate
“We have no choice but to ration water,” says Vera Spirit, Chief of the Roborian City Department of Public Works. “We can’t afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they’ll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us.”
“You think too small,” sighs Foreign Secretary Chastity Brooks, between sips from a sparkling bottle of gourmet dihydrogen monoxide. “Roborian may be short on water, but the rest of Right to Life has water to spare! Why not just import the water from abroad? Sure, it’ll cost money, but what’s worth more to the people of Roborian, a little tax money or their most basic physical needs? Our neighbors wouldn’t dream of cutting off the water, right?”
“This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!” shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. “If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!”
Turning from wicked ways tends to be a good thing
Issue 496: Rock and Roll Suicide
The Issue
The nation is in mourning after beloved cultural icon Johnny Brazeau was found dead of apparent suicide in his Tasmanian beachhouse. New details have emerged that his eccentric and happy-go-lucky public persona was masking chronic depression, thrusting mental illness into the public spotlight.
The Debate
“Clearly, Mr. Brazeau was suffering from severe depression,” says world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Tiberius Cole. “This is symptomatic of a deep-seated epidemic of unreported mental illness across Right to Life. Mental health services have been underfunded for decades, and it is about time that the government stepped in to provide proper mental healthcare for the nation. We desperately need evidence based CBT, more psychiatrists, and proper education to finally rid ourselves of this stigma surrounding mental health. You can’t put a price on the nation’s wellbeing.”
“Johnny Brazeau’s death is a tragedy, but we all know his songs contained subliminal pro-suicide messages,” says moral crusader Beavis Kardashian, who is well known for egging blasphemers and burning effigies of politicians. “People across Roborian now know that an idolized national treasure selfishly took his own life. What kind of message does that send, especially to kids? This shameless act is only going to convince them that suicide is cool. Suicide must be made illegal, and only the ultimate punishment will deter people from this sin. We need to teach our children that life, regardless of how much you’re suffering, is always the answer.”
“Haha, the freak finally did himself in. That’s very droll,” laughs insensitive city worker Fumiko Reed, who was recently laid off for making countless inappropriate jokes on the job. “Yes, of course people are down in this nation, but if you want to cheer us up, give the people a tax cut. Stop wasting money on welfare and all this mental health rubbish. Give us our money back, and we’ll make ourselves happy.”
“It’s a tragedy of course, but also an opportunity,” suggests professional spin doctor Lance Wynne, handing you a bottle of fake tears. “If we play our cards right, we can create a distraction from hard-to-sell government policies. Make a speech with a single tear rolling down your cheek and visit the widow to bring a wreath and a spontaneous hug. We can make bad news work to improve your public image.”
I don't really think I'll end up making use of mental health resources, but tax cuts are nice
Issue 434: Fraternity Furor
The Issue
After a drunken brawl between rival fraternities resulted in the deaths of five university students, concerned citizens across Roborian have questioned whether fraternities serve a purpose in modern society.
The Debate
“Dude! You can’t ban fraternities,” says Archibald Glover, member of Mu Alpha Xi, while crushing a beer can against his forehead. “Fraternities are like a brotherhood. They give us a sense of belonging. Sure, some of us may get a little out of hand, but we have a right to hang out with whoever we want. Don’t we have like, uh, freedom of assembly or something like that in Roborian?”
“Fraternities continue to be an embarrassment to Roborian’s universities,” muses your geeky nephew as he peeks his head over a quantum physics textbook. “Don’t forget that the same guys who shoved me into lockers in high school are the same ones being caught uttering awful chants and participating in hooliganism. College isn’t about getting drunk and partying. It’s about studying, working hard, and preparing yourself for the real world. Shutter the frat houses, so us students can study in peace and quiet.”
“Come now, old sport, you can’t listen to this poppycock,” scoffs grey-haired University of Roborian City alumnus Ned Mombota, sporting a swordstick and a hat displaying the symbol of an alleged secret society. “Back in my day we didn’t have these problems with our fraternities. The problem is because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into our fine organizations without the proper credentials. Fraternities used to be only for the wealthy and shall we say, Roborian’s better citizens. Go back to the old ways and I’m sure these scandals will disappear.”
“The problem isn’t fraternities. It is alcohol!” invokes Reverend Joylove. “Some of these young men are a part of my flock and are otherwise upstanding citizens of society. I’m sure that they would never have become involved in a violent fistfight if it weren’t for the alcohol polluting their bodies and souls. Instead of punishing the sinner, we must eradicate the sin. Alcohol is the devil’s nectar, and it poisons the mind! For the good of society, we must ban all alcohol in Roborian!”
Alcohol is a poison, and the world better without it
Issue 634: Bullet Time
The Issue
Regular traffic congestion within Roborian’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic.
The Debate
Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!”
“That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Jyn Burton, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get Roborian high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...”
“You can’t do it!” groans Cassidy Henderson, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!”
“Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Hamlet Park, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.”
Weird here, but it's not worth the cost, and never worth the eminent domain
Issue 706: A Walk in the Park
The Issue
The Cow Forest is the largest National Park in Roborian, but it is rarely visited by Roborianians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.
The Debate
“Don’t let this poll deceive you, people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger, Cooper Archer. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re through, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Roborianian black cedar!”
“What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Jill Gennaro. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables, I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
“I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanc would love our aid in developing “defensive strategies” against Marche Noir, and I hear they are willing to pay big Tokens for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on... That’s a win-win-win in my book!”
Sure, free government revenue is always nice, keeps taxes lower, and if it aids the nation's geopolitical stability, all the better.
Issue 15: More Police Needed
The Issue
As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.
The Debate
“Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!” says ruffian Nick Hammarskjöld. “And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police.”
“The solution to crime is not more police!” says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist Theresa Norris. “Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen.”
“Yeah, good luck with that,” says conservative leader and gun enthusiast Buffy Trump. “Look, we do need more police, that’s clear. But that’s not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings.”
This one's looking long and hard. Both have the $ to them (not going for public floggings here, especially since it implies a cost increase as well). It really depends on how the amount of crime is interpreted. Multiple muggings in broad daylight could be a coincidental anecdote, or a symptom of a larger problem. There is a definite downside to expanded police authority, with expanded police numbers not necessarily leading to it, but quite likely facilitating it. Poor education could find some benefit, and a safety net could be nice, but it's all so painfully vague. I suppose when it comes down to it, there's more of a direct, studied, connection between increased policing and lowered crime rates than welfare and education spending really working...but the neighborhoods we are talking about here really matter.
Thing is, it's impossible to tell which costs more, and my instinct is that the first is cheaper, which is completely unsupported, but it's drawing me in that direction.
Cops ultimately are a second-order thing in home invasions. The deterrent isn't there as strongly. The deterrent is there for walkabouts, but that hits you as well, and doesn't matter much if it's not your area. If it is your area, "policing" raises doubts.
I'm going with education and welfare. Potential for personal use is there, if smaller, and smaller chances of blowback overall, though I'm really not confident here.
Issue 750: Cheerleading Community Does the Splits
The Issue
When East Roborian City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Roborian giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.
The Debate
“Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Cleveland Turnbull, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.
“Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Sabrina Clean, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.
“You’re both idiots!” thunders Hiro Jones, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.
It ends up being revenue-neutral, which is a shame, but the focus on more competitive sports has a few better parts to it-greater openings, perhaps, more entertaining professional sports, and, hopefully, a push back against the sexualization cheerleading tends to bring about.
Issue 448: It Takes A Village
The Issue
A recently released book authored by Newt Benteen, your former Human Services Minister, has highlighted the financial and mental health concerns of parents in Roborian. The book has thrust the issue of childcare back into the public spotlight.
The Debate
“I don’t know how much more I can take without government support,” complains a visibly stressed out mother while desperately trying to console her screaming child. “Between working two jobs and raising a child, I don’t know how I’m managing to hold it together. The government needs to start getting involved before there are mass mental breakdowns! If you gave parents a tax credit and invest in some mental health initiatives, it would really help. Oh, won’t somebody please think of the children?”
“The problem is that these fathers and mothers obviously have no idea how to do their job,” counters your Education Minister while raising her voice over the tantrum-throwing toddler. “Parents need to understand budgeting, stress management, and how to calm down screaming infants. I propose mandatory parenting classes for adults and teenagers alike. The government could then take away children from those who fail the testing. Sure, that would mean investing more in the education budget, but won’t you please think of the children?”
“You are all missing the obvious solution,” coos your incredibly mature sixteen-year-old niece as she calms down the crying infant. “What Roborian needs is a national babysitting and nanny program. Parents obviously need a break from the stresses of child-rearing, and people need to know that their lives aren’t going to be interrupted by screaming kids. By enlisting the help of babysitters and nannies across the country, along with investments in daycare and childcare programs, this problem will be a thing of the past.” Your niece hands you the baby. “Isn’t he adorable?”
“No, no, and no!” exclaims your Finance Minister, who has recently been named Roborian’s most eligible bachelor by Bonjour Magazine. “Why should my taxes have to pay for someone else’s bratty kids? I’m already paying over and above for these social programs that are obviously not working. Let’s get rid of whatever childcare programs we have and save ourselves a bundle of Tokens. If you can’t afford to have kids, then don’t have them.”
“They have it all wrong!” invokes impatient company boss Jabulani Gruber, who is infamous for his misogynistic rants. “The problem isn’t just that these girls neglect their kids, but that they neglect their work as well. If an employer feels his female staff are tired-looking, they should be allowed to dismiss them from their jobs. It’s for their benefit as well as ours, we just take the decision out of their hands, so they don’t have to worry their pretty heads over it.”
It was pretty clearly between the first and the fourth. Odds are that I'll have kids, even if it doesn't seem like it, and thus a tax credit would be nice. Still, that means more cost on other things, and potentially disincentives. For retirement, though, a larger younger population is a help, and that's enough to push it over the finish line even with the expensive mental health bit.
Issue 242: Follow the Leader
The Issue
A lowly bureaucrat riffling through some old paperwork has happened across a rather alarming and disturbing fact: the documentation affirming yourself as Roborian’s head of state was filled out improperly and now, at least for the moment, Roborian has no official leader!
The Debate
“There is no need to panic,” says Gary Merkel, a senior archivist. “I’ve prepared a new document. All you need to do is sign across the dotted line and you will be our esteemed leader once again. Here! I’ve even brought a pen.”
“Give me that!” interrupts your brother, incorrigible as always. “I’ve got an idea, bear with me for a moment... a few penstrokes here... a few clauses there... finished. Now you can set yourself up as Supreme Evil Overlord For Life! If you don’t have complete control then where’s the fun? That’s what I say. I’ve taken the liberty of cutting down some of the more boring departments, we only really need the police and military in my opinion. Oh! You get a free space hopper too.”
“Hold on! Don’t sign it yet! Have you ever heard the saying ‘two heads are better than one’?” asks Lucy Stone, your Minister of Complicating Things. “Well, what if we had SEVERAL? I propose we gather the most senior ministers of Roborian to act together as a collective head of state! That’s a little more democratic than one person bossing everyone else around. Besides, even if you’re not THE leader, your opinions are still deeply respected so it shouldn’t be too much of a step down right?”
“As if ONE leader isn’t oppressive enough!” says Sayid Caesar, a little known representative from one of Roborian’s more obscure counties. “Suddenly we need even more? This is a great opportunity for Roborian to lose elitist concepts like ‘leaders’. My ma taught me that all men are born equal and yet even in a modern country like this one person can be named Lord and King of everything. One person should not have that much power! Government policy should be the equal responsibility of all Roborian’s politicians.”
“If we did that, even some crackpot quango would have the same power as the Minister of Defence,” argues Alexei Hesse, who happens to be the Minister of Defence. “That’s insane. We need strong leadership to get things accomplished! Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone’s opinion is, ugh, ‘equal’? They go on for HOURS. HOURS! Believe me, trying to run a government that way will be a massive, fruitless headache. The leader’s word is law, and if people don’t get that then maybe a little show of strength courtesy of the military wouldn’t go amiss.”
A plural executive in two people is not exactly option three, and thus I'm holding with one, which has the unlock as well
Issue 432: Children in the Lead
The Issue
A recent broadsheet special on the children of other leaders in Right to Life has brought attention to the lack of children in your own residence. Spying a public relations opportunity, some of your advisers have begun to suggest that you should consider having a kid or two.
The Debate
“This is a golden PR opportunity,” exclaims Marlon Nahasapeemapetilon, representing Moral Minority. “Imagine: you’d be the wise family figure. Think how much the people will love your new baby. You’ll be the epitome of family values leading everyone into domestic bliss. And think of the merchandising! I mean, think of the children.”
Maxford University demographer and suspected eugenicist Sigourney Thawne disagrees. “The fact is our nation is overflowing with young ne’er-do-wells. They commit more crimes, are more prone to rudeness, and, worst of all, are least likely to care about your good works, Leader. We have to send the message that we are going to do something about the troublesome demographics, and a good place to start is by you staying childless. And if we really want to crack down on population growth, we need to double down on border security too.”
“Or how about adoption?” schemes Ashley Chen, your PR expert. “I could see you with a nice adopted Lilliputian boy and an adopted Maxtopian girl. It would look great in front of the cameras. You could be the most multicultural and tolerant leader in Right to Life! And if everyone follows your lead, the orphanages won’t be nearly as dreary!”
Essentially, this issue is going to come down to how it benefits public culture, rather than anything else. Promoting family values is a major benefit, promoting adoption has a moral benefit to it, and potentially an economic one. The international bit of it is where it's potentially problematic, but, overall, it's probably a benefit to helping with the orphanages.
Issue 640: A Clear-cut Conundrum
The Issue
The Shepherds of the Forest - a particularly dedicated section of the The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association - have just completed a long march from the remote Western Cow Mountains National Park to Roborian City. They come bearing news that elements within the Timber Woodchipping industry have been covertly logging the protected area for over a decade without the government even noticing.
The Debate
“I was just hiking quietly along the back of Grand Cow Ridge,” recounts Julia Levy, a very sturdy forestry professor, with a tall head and hardly any neck. “I rounded a bend and there before me lay the most horrendous sight I ever laid eyes upon. Stands upon stands of trees, butchered like on a battlefield, many of whom were my friends. There is no curse in the tongue of Roborian for this treachery. O please, Leader, make the destroyers who did this replant all the trees they massacred, and stop them from ever coming back!”
“Bah, humbug,” bellows Silvio Schmo, a sour man representing one of the rogue logging companies, draped in a robe of many colors. “That Western Whatever Park is so far away that no one even goes there anyway, except for those weirdo hikeaholics. Our great and glorious Federation would be best served by burning that old world in the fires of industry. Auction them all off to the highest bidder, foreign or domestic! Forests will fall and Roborian will make profits you’ve never dreamed of. Just imagine it.”
“HOW DARE THEY!” screeches Tanya Bakker, a self-professed eco-warrior, wielding an elaborately carved battle staff made out of the highly endangered Roborianos pine. “These evil corporate schemers, planning to destroy the world just to gain wealth! The only way we can keep our parks safe is by allowing not a single person - yes, you heard me - not a single person into them. They need to be off-limits to the inherently greedy, destructive natural tendencies of humans. Leader, let me raise a posse of good and green men to guard our forests and bring the sword to any desecrating capitalist pig who dares enter.”
It's a national park, chop wood somewhere else.
Issue 431: Gone A Stray!
The Issue
A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around Roborian to your attention.
The Debate
“There are too many strays just wandering around!” screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. “We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not.”
“No! No more animals, please!” begs animal shelter director Monica Vader as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. “Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can’t handle any more. We’re up to our ears in animals! The problem isn’t with the strays, it’s with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It’s high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear.”
“These animals deserve to be free!” screeches Mamiko Coleman, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don’t exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!”
“Let’s not get hasty here,” interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oakleaves and war medals. “Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren’t suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It’s not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we’d be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!”
“One bullet each should do the trick,” bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. “Problem solved.”
Gets them off the streets, and provides public benefit. Good option.
Issue 366: Prosecute Stolen Valor, says Military
The Issue
General officers in the Roborianos Armed Forces are requesting the criminalisation of “stolen valour” - the impersonation of decorated service members, often with the motive of financial gain.
The Debate
“These traitorous cowards need to be prosecuted!” says red-faced Vice Admiral Homer Glover while puffing out his chest, proudly showing off his own service medals. “They demean the heroic actions of veterans who did actually earn the medals, and desecrate the memory of those who died in service of Roborian. I know what my boys would do to these charlatans if they caught them, and I can’t promise I’d intervene! I’d like to see these pretenders try to earn the medals they want to show off. Actually, let’s do that - send all these fraudsters to the front line. That’ll teach them.”
“It is the right of all citizens to express themselves in any way they chose,” claims the dixie cup-sporting Avery Mombota, an investigative journalist with On Liberty magazine. “People should be free to dress in any uniform without fear of reprisal or punishment - and that includes wearing a uniform of the RAF. What better way to display to the world one’s patriotism! And if you happen to get more respect or some discounts because of it, all the better. If that argument doesn’t persuade you, then maybe you should ask the Vice Admiral how he won those medals. You can bet your bottom Token that if you criminalise this, journalists will start asking serving officers that question. Do you want to have a media witch-hunt of the military?”
“Why do we celebrate and glorify warmongering by raising these conquistadors above everyone else?” questions Eobard Summers, an anti-war protester outside the gates of your office building. “These medals and uniforms only exist to exert dominance and fear over the masses. The military claim these medals are rewards, but they are actually trophies declaring to the world how many innocent civilians their brainwashed killers massacred. We should do away with our armed forces and imprison those who have killed supposedly in the name of Roborian.”
It seems to be coming down to medals, in the end, and I guess what I'm going to go with is that it really cripples the heroic impulse and sanctification if it can be replicated in a machine shop. Abuse is problematic, but with a medal focus, it should work out
Issue 024: Budget Time, Accountants Excited
The Issue
It’s time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.
The Debate
“The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful,” says Teachers Union leader Yuri Green. “And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future.”
“We won’t have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military,” says General Cleveland Mullins. “Oh, it’s all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don’t pretend like there aren’t any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security.”
“Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important,” says celebrity social worker Jane Targaryen. “This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don’t help them, what kind of a nation are we?”
“Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Ming Chandra. “How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we’ll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!”
Always like paying less taxes
Issue 732: A Peeping Problem
The Issue
Several of your aides were fired yesterday after the IT Department found pornography on their work computers. The former employees have fought back saying their privacy was violated and they should be restored to their positions.
The Debate
“Thank you so much for meeting with us, Leader!” greets Shigeru Skinner, one of the aides fired for looking at pornography, while holding out his hand for a handshake. “Please give us our jobs back! Just because I’m lonelier than most shouldn’t be a reason to fire me. Look at my past performance reviews, I was a great worker who always got everything done ahead of schedule. Even if the computers are technically theirs, letting employers look into an employee’s browsing history is a creepy invasion of privacy anyway, the practice should be outlawed regardless.”
Your IT technician peers over a computer monitor while performing routine maintenance on your computer: “Are these people nuts? If people want to watch pornography they should do so in the privacy of their own homes, not on employers’ computers. These employees violated your trust and therefore deserve to be punished. Your right to privacy ends when you start using your employers’ computers.”
“Let me touch bases with you for some outside of the box thinking,” implores workplace coach Angus Black. “I think giving your workers less detrimental ways to deal with workplace stress could be a real game changer. We need to enable employees to work smarter, not harder. Some low hanging fruit to help resolve this problem could include letting workers set their own hours, adding bean-bag chairs to the office, heck, maybe even mandating slides be put in the break-room. You could even force these things to be implemented across Roborian, as I think they’ll work together in synergy to create a real win-win.”
Off-topic, really, and I'd really like a "ban pornography" option, but setting your own hours, that's nice.
Issue 185: "Bring back our booze!" Cry revelers
The Issue
Crowds of angrily sober sports fans and university students have petitioned the government to repeal the prohibition of alcohol.
The Debate
“Banning alcohol was the worst government decision ever made,” says Stella Mumford, a former connoisseur of fine wines. “One can only drink grape juice for so long before one gets most awfully tired of it! Our society needs alcohol: it reduces inhibitions, dulls the pains of our modern existence and lets us all have a good time. Yes there are those who abuse it, but that’s their choice. The government needs to start re-issuing liquor licences right away!”
“It’s certainly not the choice of the victims of drink-driving!” retorts police chief Belinda Tarkin. “Or the families torn apart by alcoholism! Banning it caused huge drops in violence, vehicle accidents and medical costs. How could any sane person want to re-legalise that poison? What we need is more money for the police so we can crack down on criminals smuggling in and selling alcohol and impose heavier penalties.”
“In large amounts alcohol is damaging, but moderate amounts can actually be quite beneficial,” says Dr. François Chapman. “Like many other potentially harmful drugs, alcohol should be available on prescription. Sure, it’ll be more work for the health service, but I’m sure we can manage it... with a little extra funding.”
No booze
Issue 276: Circus Clowns Cause Chaos
The Issue
Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.
The Debate
“Kill them! Kill them all! Or... you know, just ban them,” opines noted sociologist Zeus Sulu. “Better yet, why not ban all circuses from Roborian! Think about it, they’re distracting children from what’s important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That’s what’s important here!”
“Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me,” inputs your Minister for Culture, Conan Campbell. “I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren’t scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important - like my Department!”
“It’s not always about the kids,” mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. “Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8 year olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression - you don’t know what it’s like, man. You weren’t there!”
DISMISSED
This is a stupid issue
Issue 190: Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries
The Issue
After a series of bloody wars between the nations of Maxtopia and North Bigtopia, fights have broken out in the streets between immigrants in Roborian who came from the warring nations.
The Debate
“Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances,” begins Carmen Hernandez, whose opinions form the book ‘101 Arguments FOR Slavery’. “What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native Roborian folks slaves! I mean, who in Roborian wouldn’t like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold over the Internet!”
“I am shocked and appalled at what my colleague is suggesting!” exclaims Gerald Parke, President of the Civil Rights Union of Roborian. “Slavery? We should punish these offenders, yes, but send them to rehabilitation centres instead! As for the ethnic squabbles, programs in school should begin to stop these racist attitudes in childhood! All it will take is some slight fortification to the education budget!”
A quiet old man stands up to speak. “Now, I may be a quiet old man, but I believe that these ethnic disputes are none of the government’s business. It’s not our war anyway, so it’s not our problem. I’m sure if you leave it alone, it’ll work itself out. Just think of the money that would be saved if the police don’t have to be paid to deal with this!”
“It’s not our war? It’s not our war?” cries (in)famous Roborian-born fascist Margaret von Bismarck. “Well maybe it’s time it became our war! Roborian should take a more active, and by ‘active’ I mean ‘hostile’, role in international politics! This ethnic squabbling will be over when the war is over, and WE can end that war and purge the impure! Wir sind die Überwältigende!! Sieg Roborian!”
Eh, actually, rehab as a preventative measure, I don't really trust it, as the function of prisoning-sure. Anti-racist education isn't bad either.
Issue 156: Waste Going to Waste, Says Industry Lobby
The Issue
Roborian’s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.
The Debate
“These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!” rants Julius Osborne, head of the Roborian Bigger Business Bureau. “We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren’t as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they’re harmless to us. Let’s remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!”
“A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn’t a problem at all,” whispers Paris Vasquez, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. “Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one’s teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we’ll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!”
“These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!” says Woody Cotchin, an environmentalist from northern Roborian. “The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison Roborian’s people and environment, the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!”
The economy's going to take a hit, but toxic dumps are not OK
Issue 180: Mobile Maladies
The Issue
Recent technological developments in mobile phones are raising concerns from your citizens about the possible harm they are doing to the modern generation.
The Debate
“Everyone is just staring at their phone screens these days!” messages anti-mobile lobbyist Manuel Yeats, via the WotsOn chat service. “Between social media, augmented reality games and personal assistant software, people now spend more time looking at and talking to their phones than they do interacting with real people! Let’s not forget the dangers of these distracting devices either: inattentive driving, pedestrian collisions, eye strain, repetitive strain injuries... They’ve caused more deaths than exploding cupboards, the ironing board, and Godzilla put together. I say we create just one hour every lunchtime where everybody is obliged to keep their phones off. Let’s rediscover the art of conversation!”
“This is utter nonsense. Mobile phones are nothing other than beneficial to society! I’ll have you know that not one of our privately-funded studies has found the slightest bit of evidence to the contrary!” argues Sashona Erso, CEO of Amber Phones, gesturing towards a wiggly line on a clipboard as she nonchalantly slips a wad of Tokens into your back pocket. “Have you ever seen anyone drop dead in the street just because they were chatting on one of our new uPhone85 models for sale now at low, low prices? No! It’s just blatant scaremongering! I implore the government to dismiss these crackpots’ complaints.”
“I don’t believe they’re harmful either,” says Anne-Marie MacIntyre, a teacher. “But it’s obvious to everyone what a detrimental effect it has on our children! Everywhere I look, I’m seeing children as young as four tapping away at the blasted things! Do you know how many lessons I’ve had interrupted by the ‘Crazy Cow’ ringtone, or by little Timmy saying there’s a collectable Pokeachew under my desk? Do you know how many of my pupils think ‘great’ is spelled with a number? Too many! Only adults should be allowed to own and use mobile phones!”
Great, probably going to take a corruption hit for this-but, free market, yo. I'd actually be fine with option 3 here if there was an exception for emergency or dumb phones, but, of course, this is NS, there won't be.
Issue 548: Appointment of Science Advisor
The Issue
After the government’s chief science advisor accidentally disintegrated himself in his latest experiment, you have come under pressure to appoint someone new to the position - but the leading candidates to replace him all have different priorities.
The Debate
“Science is critical to understanding our place in the natural world,” writes biologist Kirby Wong in his application letter, which is covered in paw-prints and smells faintly of Cow dung. “I believe we need to look more closely at how our actions affect the environment, and if I’m appointed as advisor, I’ll make sure the government takes the long term view to ecological preservation - even if that does mean putting a few public works projects and industry partnerships on hold.”
“Now now, you’re not going to listen to all that tree-hugging nonsense, are you?” cajoles chemist Bruce Dylan, introduced to you at a cocktail party thrown by one of your biggest corporate donors. “The government needs to be partnering up with industry, not making things harder for them. If I’m appointed, I’ll make sure the government promotes innovation and invention - and if that means loosening up some of those silly environmental laws, then so be it!”
“Typical: a new vacancy for a government science advisor opens up, and it immediately becomes a boys’ club,” sighs physicist Rey Long, sporting a rather fetching pink lab coat. “Do you realize that girls outperform boys in science at every grade in school, but that far fewer women end up taking jobs in the sciences than men? Appointing a woman as the nation’s science advisor would be a great first step to improving access to the sciences for everyone - and I’d use the position to lobby for universities and research centres to hire more women, too.”
“Whomever you appoint will just end up leading Roborian into further damnation!” rants fundamentalist preacher Heidi Shakespeare in one of her sermons, replete with typically alarming - and anatomically explicit - descriptions of what this damnation will actually entail. “It’s time we purged the government of all its heathen influences, and that includes removing anyone who might go around using words like evolution, or entropy, or evidence!” She breaks off to chase after a group of scientists passing by, waving a pitchfork at them.
Competition originally looked like an issue, but on the other hand, opportunity cost means less elsewhere. The lobby shouldn't be too bad-more women in the field, up to the selection average, is a good thing
Issue 608: Thrown into Sharp Relief
The Issue
A 3-year-old girl, named Charlotte, recently died from a nasty chest infection. The case was notable, as doctors are claiming that a simple course of penicillin could easily have saved her life, and are laying blame for the death upon the advice of a ‘spirit-energy healer’ who advised the girl’s parents to treat their child with acupuncture.
The Debate
“Allowing these fraudsters to kill children with their pseudo-medical claptrap should be criminal!” shouts Dr. Lance Carter, a famed debunker of alternative medicine, as he slaps a hot mug of soothing echinacea tea out of your hands. “The same standards of evidence-based practice and criminal responsibility that doctors face should be forced on these conmen. Also, any parents who deny their children proper medical treatment should be held accountable for criminal neglect.”
“What happened to that child was a tragedy,” concedes animistic healer Rory Howard as she hangs amethyst pendants around the room to absorb the negative energies being generated, “but my prescribed treatments would have saved her life, if only they hadn’t been disrupted by the scepticism and disbelief from her biomedical doctors. I can show you the logical arguments that underpin my science, but ultimately, shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose their own health care provider?”
“Look, I love freedom as much as the next passer-by who needs to crash at your place,” comments Agatha, a random hobo rousing from a nap on your couch to voice an opinion, “but to me it sounds like this is about the state’s responsibility for the safety of children. Why not just force parents to take their kids to an actual doctor, but let the adults do whatever they want with their own bodies? Also, are you going to finish that sandwich?”
Kind of a tricky one here. I'm mostly going with number two simply because of the authoritarian and sloping undertones of "force parents to take kids to an 'actual' doctor." Outside of occupational licensing, government-parent seems to be in play here.
Issue 162: Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny
The Issue
Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.
The Debate
“What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?” asks Alexei Andersson, owner of the East Roborian Cow Sanctuary. “Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!”
“It is not unethical,” replies Dr. Ella Garrison, the chief surgeon at Roborian’s largest cancer research clinic. “The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we’re making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or a commercial venture, then that’s just what we’ve got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause.”
Never a libertarian option in these early issues, eh? Banning animal experimentation is outright bad. Funding it isn't really likeable-but its to cure cancer, and you can't really get too mad at a small fund for that.
Issue 280: Oh, the Humanity!
The Issue
During a recent severe storm, the airship RAS-Hiddenburg caught fire and ended up making a crash landing in Roborian City. Everyone on board as well as several hundred people on the ground were killed in the resulting inferno. Reporter Herb Morris’ incredible live coverage of the disaster and the media circus surrounding the safety of such vessels has people looking to the government for solutions.
The Debate
Akira Shongwe, apparent spokesperson for the families of the victims gasps out between sobs, “The only reason this happened is the government has turned a blind eye to the dangers of these vehicles! The solution is obvious: pass and rigidly enforce safety regulations on dangerous industries! Oh, and make the owners of these companies financially liable to the families. I mean, I lost my dad after all, I deserve a little bit of compensation.”
“Really now, airships safely make these trips on a routine basis! These people are looking at a tiny mishap and not the bigger picture!” claims Doris Bender, owner of Airship Enterprises, the company that operates airships like the crashed RAS-Hiddenburg. “If anything, the government should be supporting the industry through this tragedy! You know, ‘encouraging’ people to use airships so that they learn just how safe they really are!”
“Tiny mishap? TINY MISHAP?” screams Jack Grossman, author of the controversial bestseller ‘Corporations Are Bad, Really Really Bad.’ “Hundreds of people dead, millions if not billions of Tokens in damage to buildings downtown, and these industry goons are trying to just shrug and tell the rest of us ‘Oopsie,’ and buy their way out of trouble?! They have a huge debt to the society they’ve harmed, make them work in the trauma centers and see first-hand what they’ve done!”
I can actually get financial liability here, I'd want it in such a case. Rigidly enforced safety legislation though, is odds-up for spiking the costs. People can make there own decisions, even if I'm feeling a bit off at the odds of such things presently. The 'encouraging' in Option 2 is extremely worrying, only OOC knowledge on the outcome makes me (barely) comfortable with it. I like airships anyway.
Issue 613: A Nude Day, a Nude Awakening
The Issue
Internet news sites and online communities are abuzz over supposed leaked nude images of you that surfaced online this morning. Amateur photo-manipulation experts have concluded that the images are fakes, but the files have already spread across the internet like wildfire. As the victim of this internet trolling campaign, it may be time for you to address the problem of faked images of this sort.
The Debate
“Here we have thieves and perverts, stealing your likeness and creating obscenity,” declares Roxanne Smiley, a country singer of dubious talent who claims there have been more downloads of fake nudes of her than downloads of her music. “Every time I go online I see these filthy pictures. It’s humiliating, degrading, and feels like a violation of my privacy and a kind of sexual assault. I guess now you know how it feels too! I know this is hard to police, but you should at least establish the principle that photo-manipulation is illegal, with fines applicable to those who break this law or who distribute these images.”
“Kirby Streisand agrees, but Kirby Streisand thinks that we should go further,” agrees the notorious Kirby Streisand, a staunch censorship advocate who once tried to remove all references to his name on the internet. “If it were up to Kirby Streisand, any unauthorized image, name usage, or even a likeness of a person without their permission should automatically be taken down whether it’s on the internet, the news, or any random video.”
“Either everything is okay, or nothing is,” refutes satirist and online columnist Sasha Bonaparte, whilst using a clever piece of software to make a mildly angry photo of you on a bad hair day look like you are a positively psychotic murderer on the verge of going on a killing spree. “Are you going to censor the Moaning Lisa because she was painted without her knowledge? Are you going to ban a schoolboy from drawing a moustache on a newspaper photo of your face? You have no right to censor art, and photo-manipulation is art. Quite frankly, celebrities and politicians should give up their expectations of privacy. If you don’t want people drawing you nude, you shouldn’t have chosen a career that makes you famous.”
“Face it, you can’t stop people putting things on the internet,” suggests your tech-savvy nephew, who moonlights as notorious internet troll politichunt42. “But you can affect an image’s notability, by changing its context. Say we fake a few hundred nudes of a dozen other world leaders, and maybe some politicians and public figures you don’t like: we could make it so that your faked nudes are old news, and have everyone laughing at your rivals and opponents instead. Wouldn’t it be fun to watch them flail around like a Cow with its head chopped off? Is it immoral? Sure, if somebody hadn’t obviously already done this to you. Can you say ‘hackers-sponsored-by-Blackacre’?”
DISMISSED
Needs a cutoff, doesn't have a cutoff, gone. Seriously, it only needed to say "the nude stuff is illegal", but nope, gotta outlaw Photoshop.
Issue 371: Lotto Fever
The Issue
Your ever-enterprising brother was recently arrested for running a surprisingly large numbers racket; the earnings allowed him to purchase several foreign luxury cars. Your advisers, surprised by gambling’s potential profitability, have begun debating the possibility of a National Lottery to raise government funds. The idea has drawn fire from social groups, who have come to warn you of the evils of gambling.
The Debate
“A National Lottery would be a great idea,” says your money-obsessed Minister of Finance, Aphrodite Pong. “This is just what the economy needs. Everybody is attracted to the idea of becoming a millionaire overnight. And best of all, this is as close as you can get to taxing the poor without actually calling it that! That surplus could even subsidize our struggling strategic basket weaving sector. A government-owned lottery would permit small games of chance while keeping out the sleazy, parasitic casinos.”
“A gambling ban is essential to the moral fibre of the nation,” counters social worker, Ganondorf Wheeler, wearing a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Don’t be a Fool; Gambling’s not Cool’. “Gambling addiction causes countless broken homes abroad, and having a national lottery would only introduce the problem into Roborian. For the sake of Roborianos families, we MUST stand firm against the sin of gambling!”
A man sporting a ten-gallon cowboy hat rolls in an impressive scale model of a casino city, complete with a flashing neon light display. “Well howdy folks! I couldn’t help but overhear that your gambling industry is in the toilet. Why not hand over the new lottery to the private sector? I have a plan to use that lottery money to create massive casino cities. I’ve built casinos in Maxtopia, Bigtopia, and North Lilliputia and by gum, it put them on the map! Just think of all the tourists who will flock to Roborian: The Gambling Center of Right to Life!”
“And why are we letting some guy with a ridiculous hat profit from this new industry?” exclaims your brother, who was not invited to this meeting. “We’d be much better off with a government monopoly of all gambling institutions, so the profits don’t all end up in that foreigner’s bank account. But instead of wasting that sweet, sweet lolly on a basketcase subsidization plan, imagine the fun WE could have. You know, for a world leader, your digs are kinda shabby. What’s say we use that gambling money for your own personal pleasure palace? It would be all for you. And family of course.”
Broken homes has a good point to it-mess yourself up gambling, and the taxes fall on you. Now, a national lottery is something that's got me more contested, largely because it's a nice way of gaining tax revenue without actually taxing, and something I won't have to deal with. Now that puts a dilemna on things-it's a bad system, with cost to it, but it frees you from much of the revenue problem. Ultimately, I'm going to go with a responsibility ethic here, beyond personal gain, you're shifting the burden onto those who voluntarily take it.
Issue 778: Mal Appetit
The Issue
Hugh Jass, Roborian’s most famous TV foodie, drew a lot of criticism when he visited a world-class restaurant in yesterday’s episode and gorged on expensive gourmet foods in a manner that some viewers found too “appetite-stimulating.” Mr. Jass’ extravagance was said to be particularly disrespectful to millions of poor Roborianos citizens who could not afford one of the dishes he ate with their entire monthly salary.
The Debate
“How inconsiderate!” exclaims Justin Gorbachev, a labourer whose love for TV is accentuated by his square-framed eyeglasses. “While my family subsists on beans and rice, this guy shamelessly sups that fancy pasta and mushroom thing. My children ask why we never eat white Brancalandian truffles. What can I tell them? Leader, please ban these TV foodie shows so that our children will not have to grow up feeling self-conscious about our financial circumstances.”
“Mon dieu!” grumbles Mr. Jass, sniffing his croissant, and throwing it away untouched. “Do these wretched ignorami not recognise the worth of a good tagliolini con tartufo? ‘Pasta with mushrooms’ indeed! If these peasants have neither the means nor aspiration to appreciate vicarious high-quality culinary culture, they can simply change the channel. I render a valuable service to our economy by giving publicity to our first-class restaurants. So, how about the government picks up the restaurant bills for our gastronomic journalism? I’ll cover the service charge, of course.”
“Ahem, please excuse Mr. Jass’ terse reply. He adores all Roborians. I’m sure we can find a compromise,” mutters Patty Morris, the producer of Mr. Jass’ show, awkwardly fidgeting with her gold watch. “Rest assured, we can arrange to cater for the needs and desires of our under-resourced viewers. Perhaps you could incentivise Mr. Jass to show that he understands all his demographic, and should occasionally visit more affordable restaurants. What do you say?”
“This is pathetic,” sneers Robin Wood, an advocate for equality, picking up the extra croissants on Mr. Jass’ plate and tossing them out of the window to the huddled masses who anxiously await your decision. “These poor, benighted workers fail to question why they are unable to afford these fancy foods in the first place. It’s because of this hideous income inequality! Leader, redistribute our great nation’s wealth and give a standard salary to everyone, no matter their job! No more, no less!”
DISMISSED
Seriously, why are we getting involved?
Issue 756: The Issue with Issues
The Issue
After an influx of poorly thought out, redundant, and otherwise trivial issues have been shoved across your desk, concern has been raised as to whether the government should start better regulating the issues you receive.
The Debate
“There must be an issue crack down!” bellows Wei Patton, your personal secretary, while removing gum off his shoe. “If we don’t do something, pretty soon we’ll be getting issues that could have just as easily been dealt with by the flip of a coin!” He pauses to discreetly move an old picture of your niece and her pet from your direct line of sight. “Let your staff take care of the frivolity so you can focus on the big stuff. In fact, if a government official passes on an issue that’s too trivial to you, fire them on the spot!”
You suddenly hear a shattering noise and find Brian Walker, your Advisor Of Trivial Matters, has broken through your office window. “Sorry about that, your office door was being fixed,” he apologizes. “Anyway, an issues crackdown? Ha! Your window’s a trivial issue, yet you’ll probably be enlisting all of Roborian’s government to replace it! I say, anyone who wants should be able to bring an issue directly to your attention! Then the people will feel like the government is a helpful organization working for them, not something big to fear! If that doesn’t work, I’ll even help fix your window!”
“There’s no need to go to either extreme,” ponders Heather Cummings, an intern and amateur vuvuzela-player who was just practicing Roborian’s national anthem outside your window. “I have a creative solution: we should create a rigorous, 34-tier color-coded system to evaluate how Leader-worthy an issue is and you can work through the issue queue accordingly. The people with most urgent and important issue will get a faster response. Everybody wins!”
“It’s not the issues that you’ve got to watch out for, but the sorts of people that are giving you solutions,” volunteers the bee suit clad Dr. Bees, walking hand-and-hand into your office with the Bird Lady. “I can’t help but notice that some of the people who are giving you advice are a bit... odd. You just need to make sure that you’re properly vetting all your advisors, then the actual decisions making process will be a snap, no matter how trivial or important an issue is.”
Good systems are good things. Everyone can bring one-important ones first
Issue 186: Carjacking Concerns
The Issue
Terrified motorists are complaining about the increasing number of hijackings that are taking place outside the big city areas.
The Debate
Hijacking victim Bob Venkman wants the government to take action against the road pirates: “Inner-city crime is nothing compared to the brutality these gangs show! They block the roads with trucks or felled trees and hide on the roadside until some poor unsuspecting motorist pulls up. The government must introduce a special police unit to patrol these isolated areas!”
“More police isn’t the answer,” retorts Gretel Cox, head of research at Roborian’s largest car manufacturer. “This is a job for the private sector! We already have blueprints for cars with bullet-proof armour and mounted machine guns, and, if you’ll pass appropriate legislation, we can have these things on sale in weeks. Let the people defend themselves!”
“This just proves how cars are more trouble than they’re worth.” says Louis Kidman, leader of the Transport Workers’ Union. “If the government bans cars and pours more money into public transport, everyone will be much safer and happier! Except from people who live outside major cities, of course - but then, that’s their choice.”
I absolutely want that car
Issue 218: Two Mommies One Too Many?
The Issue
The commercial release of the controversial children’s book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ in Roborian has sparked debate over laws concerning the adoption of children by homosexual couples.
The Debate
“I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone could possibly be against this,” complains Jacob Kantelberg, showing up at your office wearing a pink feather boa. “Bart and I are good and caring people and will make excellent fathers, so what’s the problem? All of the scientific studies have shown that there’s no difference in the wellbeing of children raised by gay and straight couples. All that’s holding these little darlings back from the happy family life that they deserve is the outdated prejudices of some prudes. All we want is to adopt a child to call our own. It’ll be fabulous!”
“I don’t care what these so-called scientific studies say,” says Diego Kenobi, representing a number of conservative religious organisations. “How can a boy hope to develop properly into a man if he’s being brought up by poofs? A father figure is not supposed to behave as if it is ‘okay’ to be, um, romantically invested in another man - and the same goes for lesbians! Why? Because it is not okay. It’ll just give them gay! Think about it: say you have two gay Cows - they can’t have children because nature did not provide them with the tools and if God wanted gays to have kids then they would have those tools. Don’t legalise this blasphemy! Think of the children!”
“This just doesn’t go far enough in my opinion,” grumbles Katniss Richards, an ardent opponent to homosexuality. “The more concessions we give these people, the more they’ll reduce our nation to the most embarrassing gayfest of all the region! We’ll be a joke! Homosexuality is a sin, and not only that it’s a disease of society and there’s no two ways about it. It must be criminalised and those responsible hanged just like in the good old days.”
Honestly a bit conflicted over the last two, which surprises me a bit. The thing is that this is an extremely easy crime to avoid, which makes me wonder what level of punishment or illegality or whatever should be tossed in. But I'm not going all the way with it. Rehabilitation is where it's at, and I'm sure there's another middle of the line issue somewhere.
Issue 136: Much Ado About Abortion
The Issue
A monstrous debate between pro-life and pro-choice groups has erupted after a high-profile case of a pregnant woman aborting her foetus because she ‘didn’t feel like it’ hit the tabloids.
The Debate
Jane Frederickson, lawyer for the woman known only as Miss X, says, “It is Miss X’s right to choose! It’s her body; she can do whatever she wants with it. In the interest of women’s rights, abortion MUST be legal throughout the country!”
“I most vehemently disagree,” says Ming McFly, a pro-life activist. “I’m all for women’s rights in general, but what about the child? Does it have no rights either? Abortion is totally immoral and I insist that it be outlawed except in cases of rape, or when the mother’s life is in danger.”
“You’re not going far enough! Abortion is murder!” shouts Reverend Stephanie Springsteen, waving a placard with a picture of a foetus on it. “God decides which babies live and which will die, not us! The government must maintain a stern anti-abortion stance to preserve the morality of Roborian!”
“Abortion has to be legal if we’re going to last as a nation,” says Bella Brooks, President of the Society of Bitter Old People. “Have you ever thought that with Roborian’s growing population of 872 million, we soon aren’t going to be able to squeeze any more people within our borders? If we use abortion to control the population, we’ll make great savings and can spend the money elsewhere. One child per family should just about do it I think. Extraneous ones can be sold to other countries.”
Easy choice. Life is life, murder is wrong.
Issue 620: No Such Thing as a Free Lunch
The Issue
A recent front page news story reported that “up to 10% of children may be skipping school lunches because they can’t afford them”. The journalist has since admitted that the phrasing of this reporting might have been slightly misleading, but insists that it’s technically true, and is leading a national campaign for you to introduce free school meals for young children.
The Debate
“My poor babies are starving,” says Newt Gutenberg, the journalist in question, and a father of four, as he unloads his shopping bags full of designer clothes from the back of his sports car. “I’ve got bills to pay and costs to meet: the government has a responsibility to put good food on my children’s plates!”
“Now hold on a minute,” interrupts Lady Falala Navarrete, adjusting her platinum-rimmed tiara. “Parents only have a responsibility to provide for their own children, not anybody else’s. Why should the government spend my money feeding the sprogs of peasantry? If they don’t want their children to starve, they should work harder, and make more money. The cream rises to the top, don’t you know?”
“Other things rise to the top too,” retorts Shigeru Thomas, a low-paid sewerjack who knows about these things. “Look, free meals should be for them that haven’t got moolah, like my kids. You think I like feeding them fried junk food? I don’t, but it’s all I can budget for. You should have vouchers for meals that parents can apply for if they’re poor enough. Schools - and indeed, supermarkets and restaurants - could be obliged to take these vouchers in lieu of cash, then take these vouchers back to the government for reimbursement. Yeah, it’s a bit more complex than a one size fits all approach, but it’s fairer.”
The bit I don't like is forcing stores to accept these things-that's a serious problem, should be an incentive system. Still, food is one of those things that welfare ought to be focused on, and its cheaper than the full option.
Issue 246: Roborian to hold the Olympic Torch?
The Issue
Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a Right to Life-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.
The Debate
“WAHAAAAY!” screams Hayley Sind, captain of Roborian City’s premier division ballroom dancing team. “Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody’s always complaining that Roborian never does well in sports and you know why? It’s because we’re never in front of the home crowd, that’s why! We’re going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!”
“Oh great,” mutters Luke Ford, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. “That’s all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don’t know... my wallet?”
“We’d be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up,” says Sarah McBoatface, your Minister of Sports. “But we’ve got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won’t be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone’s tax Tokens, ha ha. Ha.”
“There’s nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?” sighs Angela Vader, flipping through ‘One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players’. “It’s so boring. Why can’t more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you’ll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will.”
An issue I'm contested in. I don't like the cost, and it's often not a positive economic investment, but there is a certain level of national pride. Promoting public facilities like gyms, which are often inaccessible, tips it over into good.
Issue 179: Mad Cow Disease Outbreak!
The Issue
Tens of thousands of Cows all over Roborian have been found to have contracted the fatal and highly contagious Mad Cow Disease, destroying livestock and causing widespread panic after evidence that the disease is transmissible to your citizens was released.
The Debate
“I’m afraid this is terrible news,” says Ganondorf Bronte, your Minister of Dreaded Lurgies. “All these animals must be culled at once to prevent contamination of our foodstocks and to stop the disease from spreading to citizens! It’ll be a bit of a blow for the food industries, what with all their livelihood being destroyed, but it’s the only way!”
“We’ve got to look at this in the long term,” says Lucina Hart, a rustic farmer. “How will we farmers survive when we’ve got nothin’ to sell? I’d suggest puttin’ more tax Tokens into the whatjamacallit... medical research thingy so we can finds a cure, ‘cos if we don’t it’ll just come around again and we’ll all be in the same sticky mess. In the meanwhile, we should just hold the fort if you know what I mean. Import some Cows from abroad, no-one need know!”
“You call that an answer to short-term problems?” asks Sancho Ono, a likewise rustic farmer. “It can take months and months to find a vaccine you know! The meat industry will still take a hit and I jus’ don’t have the resources to see me and me kids through this kind of financial upheaval. I reckon the government folks should go ahead with the culling idea and compensate us farmers for our losses! That’s a lot cheaper than putting all our money into tests that most likely won’t work don’t you think?”
“Wait a minute!” interrupts Alexander Vangelis, a querimonious taxpayer. “Why do I have to pay a burden because of these pointless animals? I suggest we do nothing, let them die off... or just sell them. I mean, it’s a bit much when the government starts saying what we can or cannot put in our refrigerators isn’t it?”
A dedicated project towards finding a cure for a disease that actively threatens the nation's food supply is an acceptable use of tax dollars.
Issue 712: Flight of the Rich and Famous
The Issue
During the run-up to a recent election, several high-profile individuals, including the stars of the surprise hit musical ‘Jude The Obscure’, attempted to influence people’s voting choices by threatening that they would emigrate to Brancaland if you won. You won the election, but none of them are showing any signs of even preparing to leave.
The Debate
“What a bunch of hypocrites!” exclaims one of your advisors, Penny Whedon. “You should force them to follow through on their promises and leave Roborian, just like they said they would. We’d be better off without nay-sayers dividing the country anyway, not to mention the fact that ridding ourselves of their horrible shows and songs would be a great service to our proud nation!”
“There’s another possibility that could work,” suggests your security advisor. “It seems that an old law establishing an Entertainment Service in the military was never repealed. Why not have them drafted into that, and send them to tour some of our nation’s notably unpleasant outposts? Perhaps one of our arctic stations could inspire a change of heart.”
“Are you all out of your minds?” cries Yoshi Doe, clutching a book entitled ‘Why Leader Is Horrible’. “You can’t punish these people just for saying something that they didn’t actually mean! Roborian’s residents should feel free to say anything they wish about the government, even if what they say is ridiculous. They mean well, I promise you!”
“The best solution is a peaceful one,” notes Cleveland Le Chiffre, admiring your portrait hanging on a nearby wall. “What we should do is promote a positive image of you across the nation, as this will give people the opportunity to see you in a different light. Set up campaign broadcasts, publish favorable articles, and let people know that Leader isn’t all that bad.”
Here's quite a personal one. You're looking at a cultural gain with the exeunt of such, and it's simple enough to avoid-just don't make the promise. There really is a risk hanging around, but I think it's free and clear enough that it can follow through.
Issue 717: Cheques and Balances
The Issue
After the Governor of the Central Bank of Roborian stonewalled a parliamentary committee during a two-hour hearing, refusing to answer any questions about the current state of their balance sheet, an unusual coalition of left- and right-wing political activists have come together to demand a fresh approach at the CBR.
The Debate
“The undemocratic farce of central banking only serves the interests of a few wealthy corporations,” insists socialist protestor, Alexandra Kiefaber, wearing a Give Peace A Chance tie-dyed T-shirt. “It’s time Roborian had a monetary policy that works for everyone, not just the privileged 1%. Democratize the Bank! Make the Governor subject to a recall if enough citizens petition for it, and have the interest rates set by representatives we can actually vote for, not some anonymous and unaccountable economists.”
“I agree,” chimes in conservative blogger Dennis Ripley, wearing a Give War A Chance BBQ sauce-stained trucker hat. “The CBR is just another way for the political class to keep good Violet-fearin’ folks like myself down. But the liberals just want more bureaucracy, as usual. Tear the whole thing down! We don’t need to vote to tell some fancy-pants with a P-h-D, whatever that stands for, how much the Tokens in our pocket are worth - we can just go back to the gold standard!”
“Is this really the state of public debate in this country?” bemoans centrist commentator Kanya Zhimo, wearing a Give Multilateral Diplomacy, Without Ruling Out The Possibility Of Surgical Military Action, A Chance tie-pin. “The independence of central banking is a key component of any modern economy. Compromising that will only lead to our monetary policy becoming subject to either populism or corruption, and make us the laughing stock of Right to Life. You must stand firm and defend the Bank’s independence.”
Democratic control of a central bank is a terrible idea that's bound to be destructive. I really do like the idea of a gold standard, honestly. But it's just so poorly attested to that the invisible benefits probably do outweigh the visible, and there's always the chance of self-investment. But heck, tokens could be gold, and this is my country. I'm feeling the emotional versus the rational big-time here, and a solid currency has that major benefit to it. Internationally, ultimately, I'm pegging it as worth it. Terrible idea, but heck, here it is. But no it's not. This is going to go on forever, isn't it? This isn't a U.S. country, and a free-market system is going to have the ultimately greater benefit outside of an imposition of currency. Final answer. (I hope)
Issue 159: Think Tank Proposes Privatized Prisons
The Issue
In response to increasing costs of running state prisons, several government advisors have suggested allowing the private sector to play a greater role in managing Roborian’s correctional facilities.
The Debate
“Roborian’s prisons are in a ghastly state,” says Emily Bergman, representative for several large businesses. “The state now pays a fortune in Tokens each day for every prisoner. My clients will be able to operate the prisons more efficiently and charge the state far less than they’re having to pay now. With our help, those in jail will be able to get themselves jobs to do and the government can imprison as many people as they like!”
“This is just another scheme by multinational corporations to turn our great nation into a corporate dictatorship!” claims Joseph Guterres, of the Social Justice League of Roborian. “Just say NO to privatised prisons. We should be closing all jails down so we can begin focusing on rehabilitation, anyway!”
“Private prisons?! Rehabilitation?! How utterly ridiculous!” exclaims Oprah Navratilova, Roborian’s toughest police officer. “Both of these proposals will simply waste resources on the scum of society. I say that we should summarily execute all violent criminals and give their property to their victims.”
The fiscal benefits are there, but privatized prisons raise too many civil rights issues to be ultimately feasible or accepted. The primary purpose of sentencing is rehabilitation, and with corporal punishment present, it should be the focus of facilities.
Issue 714: Milky Ways
The Issue
New sitcom The Fastest Milkman in Roborian has been surging in popularity on digital streaming service Webflix, triggering a wave of nostalgia for the “good old days” seen on the show, where milk and dairy products were delivered by neighborhood milkmen in their trusty electric-motored milk carts.
The Debate
“The government should make this a reality!” exclaims superfan Diego Khan, dressed in a replica uniform of the show’s main character, Arnie Cost. “We can hearken back to an era when folk could leave their doors unlocked, and neighbors actually talked to each other. Just think: milk, eggs, cream, cheese, butter and yogurt, all brought right to your front door! Plus, with all of these recyclable glass bottles and battery-powered carts, there’s got to be some environmental advantage over plastic and petrol-based distribution. With a little cash injection from the state, this is gonna be great!”
“Do I even need to say how ridiculous that sounds?” asks Kathryn Rikkard, CEO of Orden Dairy. “Milk could spoil on people’s doorsteps, and lead to a public health disaster! Anyway, we don’t live in the ‘old days’ any more. People can just come to one of our stores if they need groceries, or order stuff online if they want delivery. Speaking of which, we’ve got some big ideas to increase shelf life even further, which will be good for consumer convenience, and with some subsidisation could pave the way to the milk of the future! Tell me, Leader, what do you know about synthetic proteins?”
“Bah, all of this nonsense about milk curdles my stomach,” interjects anti-dairy protestor Oswald Zahm, thrusting a ‘Milk is Murder’ leaflet at you. “The Milk Myth - that this filth is in any way good for you - is fabricated and perpetuated by milk lobbyists and the shadowy cabals in charge of Big Milk. You should put government warnings on dairy products, like is often done on cartons of cigarettes, just so people know how dangerous it really is. Maybe then they’ll come to their senses and abandon the devil’s mammary ooze.”
DISMISSED
Stupid only-subsidization options.
