(I also don’t know if Kathol Rift would be interested in this? If you’re not, sorry for pinging you!)
Usually when authors try to slip into the mind of someone in third person they let the pronoun hang like this, “The commando was given a chocolate cake after the integration, a sugary treat that was frosted to perfection. The cake floated on the tongue and—oh! The texture gliding from one side to the other—it is truly divine, how could anyone make something so tasty? There must be more somewhere, anywhere! Maybe the chef’s around...”
I mean, how Kathol wrote is was good too! His way leaves more mystery in what the Commando might be thinking and is probably better for that whole “feral” feeling.
Certainly, here you go:
"leaving a insane shivering wreck of a human being"
Fix: "leaving an insane shivering wreck of a human being"
"Suddenly all hell breaks loose a humungous foreign vehicle identified as HDDT-013"
Fix: "Suddenly all hell breaks loose as a humongous foreign vehicle identified as an HDDT-013"
"which sends his limp body tumbling down onto a flight of stairs in a world of agony as the ballad of gunshots, explosions, and screams becomes ever louder as his tum bling body down goes nears the ground faster,"
Fix: "which sends his limp body tumbling down a flight of stairs in a world of agony as the ballad of gunshots, explosions, and screams becomes ever louder as his tumbling body nears the ground,"
I am quite glad you liked my writing enough to call it 'excellent', what tone and implication do you think did this factbook give off about how my nation deals with the issues of extremism and free speech?
I am glad that such a might Nation as your son share our ideals.
*comes back for a last check*
Sorry, I'm too sleepy to react to your two's post right now. And I must head to bed.
I'd like to take apart some points of your writing, Velvet, but my situation is as stated. I can tell you tomorrow though
battalions from Alpha Bravo and Alpha Charlie are nearing completion!
It was well written. Your nation is also in 1915 tech, yes?