by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics

Advertisement

Post

Region: The North Pacific

Govornia wrote:In the unlikely event that we crash land in the mountains, we would ask that you please refrain from resorting to cannibalism. The crew has prepared a lottery system in which economy passengers will be fileted and served to those in first. This will continue until we are saved or we run out of economy passengers. Do keep in mind that we have enough food to last us all throughout the winter.

Deerfenland

Evening, passengers of Flight 114, this is your pilot speaking. We're approaching some rough weather patterns ahead. Expect some turbulence. So please look to the front of the plane while our flight attendants help us go over some air safety tips, once again.

Everyone please make sure your seat belts are securely and properly fastened. Please note that in case of a water landing, your seats can be used as a floatation device. However, in the unlikely event that we crash-land in a moun'ain, we will ask that you please refrain from resorting to cannibalism. We have plenty of food to last all of us through the winter. However, in the unlikely event that it takes more than a few months for us to be rescued, we have prepared a lottery system for deciding whom to eat. Passengers will be selected one at a time from economy class, starting from the fattest. They will be flayed and served to the passengers in the first class. This will continue until we are saved or we run out of economy passengers.

Alright, we're entering a very bad part of this right now. So please don't be alarmed. If we were ever to get hit by a lightning, it will cause our lights to flicker. But other than that it won't harm us a bit. However, in the unlikely event that a bolt of lightning strikes us and causes us to be sent through a rift in the space-time continuum, tread-forcing us to a land from a time before God, a land where dinosaurs still roam the Earth, we will need to form a tribe. I will be chieftain and the flight attendants shall be my brides as we attempt to populate this strange new world. Ahhhh, my first command to the tribe will be to find a good supply of flint for fire, then the women will search for edible roots and berries while the men hunt for dinosaur meat. Gentlemen, please keep in mind that some dinosaurs are quite dangerous and should not be hunted. The T-Rex, Velociraptor, Terroraptor, et cetera, cetera...The ideal prey is the triceratops. They provide a lot of meat and are fairly docile and easy to kill. The key to strangling a baby triceratops is to grab it by the horns and pull back, exposing the soft flesh of its neck. Then just stick your fist in there closing off its air supply until it goes completely limp. Then it's good eating for the whole tribe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to inform you this, but a bird has just flown into one of our engines. We are going to crash in a fiery, long-lasting death. Everyone bow your heads please. Now, Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom...come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." In the unlikely event that Christianity isn't the one true religion; Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu melech ha'olam. That covers us with the Hebrews...However, just in case the Muslims got it right...Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar..." *CRASH*

Perhaps the funniest thing Iíve written on here.

Queen Yuno, Great solordia, Deerfenland, Militarized algerstonia, and 1 otherToshavo III

ContextReport