The United States of Mitzerland is a massive, orderly nation, ruled by Zaxxczy with an iron fist, and notable for its otherworldly petting zoo, unlimited-speed roads, and sprawling nuclear power plants. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 3.759 billion Mitzerlandians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, well-organized government prioritizes Defense, although Administration, Industry, and Law & Order are also considered important, while International Aid isn't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Atlanta. The average income tax rate is 81.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Mitzerlandian economy, worth 801 trillion Aurumexes a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Information Technology, Uranium Mining, and Retail. Black market activity is rampant. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an amazing 213,352 Aurumexes, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Sending sick politicians "Get Well Soon" cards is considered bribery, a rolling news ticker tape of disclaimers runs across the bottom of the screen on all TV shows, politicians are often found scavenging bins at night to supplement their income, and economists confusingly list "fusarium rot and leaf blight" as major risk factors for monetary deflation. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Mitzerland's national animal is the crow, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to toxic air pollution, and its national religion is WARISM.

Mitzerland is ranked 114,356^th in the world and 603^rd in Europe for Largest Cheese Export Sector, scoring 2,157.81 on the Mozzarella Productivity Index.