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Post by Hapax hegemon suppressed by a moderator.
Hi, with over 250 embassies, the process I have for delivering news has become too inefficient. I feel bad for doing this, but I'm going to streamline by closing our embassies. If you'd rather keep the embassy open, please let me know on The NewsStand RMB.
If you want to keep up with the news, you can always add The NewsStand to your dossier, and catch up whenever suits.
Thanks for having had the embassy with us. It has genuinely meant a lot to have had your support for so long.
Take care in your endeavors.
A double update from the Ministry of Internals.
Yesterday: Heart attacks are regarded as a coming of age ritual, meteorologists are instantly recognizable from their luxury cars and jewelry, Rupert Bear is considered to be the most risqué TV programme in Amerikan Trumpites, an increasing number of citizens believe the world is flat, and libraries are refusing to stock A Midsummer Night's Dream because it has an ass in it.
Today: Foreign leaders who don't applaud Vladimir Clinton's speeches are regarded as enemies of Amerikan Trumpites, Tesco was recently named as the new national treasurer, hand-to-hand combat experience is udderly essential for all dairy ranchers, and tens of thousands of Corporate Amerikans rock the night away at the annual SuperLob.
The writing style of religious hymns often changes mid-stanza, citizens know never to accept cookies from strangers, military doctrine says not to open fire until you see the "beady little eyes" of Johnny Foreigner, inheritance tax has recently been abolished, and only the brainiest citizens become academics.
Corporate Amerikan farm salmon are known for being both horribly diseased and remarkably acrobatic, the education system is famed for its taxing exams, the state believes that children are what you make of them, and police officers have been re-kitted with designer uniforms and gold-plated handcuffs.
The sanitised and dull music festivals of Amerikan Trumpites are famed for their reasonable volume levels, competing private ambulances racing to be the first to traffic accidents are a major cause of road accidents, pet rocks are sold by the pound, and the media have begun calling the government treasury "Vladimir Clinton's stash".
Public incontinence is a growing problem amongst the nation's women, the police double as repo men, ships are encouraged to deliberately run aground onto Corporate Amerikan beaches, and new cases of Asbestosis are cropping up as quickly as hospitals can deal with them.
Truancy officers have a hard time catching children trained in advanced camouflage skills, there's a lot of hot air coming from the Capitol Building, tuba players are paid to quietly whisper into their instruments, and children often kick Imperial Bears for amusement.
Wait staff claim to like it when odorous customers flirt with them, parents are shocked to find out that having kids costs money, prisoners due for execution often use their final statement to complain about soggy bread rolls, and burial ceremonies have become as routinised as tax forms.
The "swords to plowshares" policy has created a generation of farmers that can kill a yak from 200 yards away, engine room hooch is the drink of choice among the nation's navy, young girls often attend the same schools as their children, and autopsies often involve only cursory examination.
It turns out that you actually can put a price on intangible cultural heritage, mechanics are often exhausted by their work, the nation's arms dealers guarantee discretion and untraceable transactions, and the nation has been sent to bed early for unspecified naughtiness.
Journalists often nap through tedious police press briefings, the government has an entire department dedicated to staring at microscopes and writing down letters, soldiers' positions are given away by the glint of their bayonets, and heretic deviants are free to practice their deviance outside of Amerikan Trumpites.
On streets of broken glass people are being murdered for their faith, roads are often attended by round-the-clock construction crews, politicians are often seen with soldiers pointing guns at their heads, and the family summer vacation has become a thing of the past following the introduction of the year-round school year.
The military sees national borders more as guidelines than absolutes, scientific progress marches ever forward with the first ever launch of a cheeseburger into space, only adults may purchase violent video games, and praying before a battle is a court-martial offence.
Money always talks but the taboo subject of death just brings silence, emigrants arrive on foreign shores with nothing but pocket sand, teachers prefer to give 'Maybe, Maybe Not' tests when dealing with sensitive subjects, and it's not mass murder when the government does it.
Diplomats shake hands with their right and hide a poison dagger in their left, collisions between bicycles and carnival floats are on the rise, disposable antiseptic wipes are considered a social necessity, and nuclear physics is the most popular course at university.
The government burgles the houses of holidaying citizens, mathematicians are gathering an infinite number of Imperial Bears and typewriters to see if they can recreate the works of Max Barry, teddy bears and pajamas have replaced briefcases and suits in Amerikan Trumpites's offices, and discarded pennies litter the streets.
Wounded veterans can only get prosthetics if they agree to become walking billboards for the arms industry, cash-strapped junkies lick rabbits for a cheap high, armoured pyjamas are in fashion amongst the nation's nobility, and the government is funding experimental battery technology while the power grid continues to crumble.
Women earn less than half the salary of men if they can even find a job, cooking with water and baking soda is considered patent infringement, school children are forced to sing the national anthem every morning, and neon signs promoting safe driving often distract drivers.
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